DeTamble: An Unrepentant, Mind-Altering Drug!

Doctor Who Spoilers - Is River Song Pregnant?

2011-08-16T02:58:00.002+10:00

I think River Song is pregnant. By now we all know that River Song is Melody Pond, and most of us believe that she is also the girl in the astronaut suit. I think the girl in the astronaut suit is possibly River Song's daughter, here are my reasons:

1. River Song also appeared to be sick around the Silence, just as Amy was, yet no one else was, so I was thinking perhaps they're both pregnant.
2. It seems too simple a story-line, of River being the girl, to come from someone who so loves to 'Moffuck' with our heads.
3. Steven Moffat loves recursion, what could be more recursive than that?
So, my theory is that the girl is River Song's daughter, and that River Song is pregnant; or I could be terribly over-thinking things and Moffat just isn't that cool, or he's so much cooler that no mere mortal could possibly figure it out.

Who knows; I'm sure as hell looking forward to finding out though! Come on Part Two!!

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Past readers of this blog will notice it's been a long time since I last posted, that's because I've been busy, starting a business, moving house, getting married, having a baby, you know, busy having a life.

Haskell, K'naan and Friday Thirteen

2010-03-17T07:25:00.000+10:00

I basically hate hip-hop, rap and anything remotely like it, so the fact that I'm about to say this is surprising me...

K'naan absolutely rules!

In other news our land-lady, 'The Gorgon', killed our Haskell with cyanide tilapia. I can't wait to move out of this place and take all the cats with us, so they'll be safe from the nasty cow. It was pretty horrible, we ended up having to snap his neck with a large, empty Ribena bottle. On the bright side, if I ever find myself in a situation in which a mercy blow is needed at least I know how to do it now. We threw his body in the lake and said a few words, that would have been about 4:12 am on Thursday 11th. I like to think of him travelling the skies with The 10th Doctor, the Tardis always needed a cat.

On Friday we found a teeny kitten and brought it home, his name is Friday Thirteen, personally I think he looks like a wolf-vampire.

Happy 2010 Blogren

2010-02-08T23:32:00.006+10:00

Been a while, think I may have forgotten how to do this. I have written a few posts over the past year but my Internet was never fast enough to post them and now they don't seem relevant. I suppose you want a quick snap-shot of my past year?

Rescued an abandoned puppy, called him Jinx.
Completed a semester of university via correspondence.
Adopted a Siamese cat who came begging, called her Catkin. Unfortunately she was poisoned by the land-lady, ie. The Gorgon.
Re-Evaluated evolution standing.
Quit university.
Adopted another cat, whom Catkin had brought over for a visit, called her Lemon.
Chose schools for future children.
Re-Evaluated religious standing.
Rescued three orphaned kittens, called them Haskell, George Small-Talk and Ruby.
Re-Evaluated vaccine standing.
Lemon brought her four kittens to stay, called them Grumpy, Scaredy Cat, Stocking-Tops and Goldfish.
Re-Evaluated political standing.
Gave George Small-Talk and Ruby away to live on a farm and grow fat on milk and rats.
Re-Evaluated child-birth and maternal care standing.Re-Evaluated Global Warming standing.
Fed the neighbours dog when he comes visiting, called him Freddie.

I think that's about it.

PS. Congratulations to Chanel for producing two of the best looking babies I think I've ever seen!

Fuck Off Facebook!

2009-06-06T01:31:00.002+10:00

Hello Everyone,

Long time, no see.

Not much news. I'm still in good ol' Ugg Land.

I've decided to leave Facebook. If you want to talk to me from outside it feel free to ask for my email in the comments. I wish I'd never signed up in the first place, it always felt wrong.

For some strange reason this is not letting me URL things but here is a nice link anyway: http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/jan/14/facebook

In fact, two nice links: http://idler.co.uk/

P.S.

I just wanted to mention this in response to Antipoptart whose blog is not letting me comment....silly thing.

"Well, if Ugandan children weren't taught to speak English in school by teachers with obvious speech defects from birth it wouldn't be a problem"

--

DeTamble

Abra Cadabra Alakazam! DeT is BAAAAAACK! Snacktastic!

2008-12-20T06:17:00.001+10:00

Good news! I'm back.

Bad news...I've forgotten how to blog.

So how are we all? Getting laid? Enjoying new perfumes?
Watching My Family? Actually, on that note who currently has my My Family DVDs??

Carlo?
Antipop?

Uganda is lovely but I want to go shopping at David Jones!!
I want a Vogue subscription.
And sushi!

AND! Good pavement so I don't ruin my heels. Where's the pavement?
I wore my heels once and they got all dirty. *sniffles*
Shoes aren't meant to get dirty! Dear God! Never again!
They shall be resigned to my closet until M7 either paves the roads or hell freezes over.

Now, story time, I'm supposed to write something interesting if I remember right...which I probably don't.
I'm pretty sure blog posts aren't just supposed to be whinging about pavement.

Last month the Landlady's fifteen year old relative of some sort came-a-knocking.
It went something like this:

DeT: Hello.
Boy: Hello.
DeT: (wising he'd bugger off).
Boy: Do you want to be saved by Jesus.
DeT: (didn't realise I needed saving, I'm not on death row, no need to go around petitioning Jesus to save me) Erm...
Boy: What country are you from?
DeT: Australia.
Boy: What religion is Australia?
DeT: (avoids giving Boy long lecture on Australia's immigration and religious standing) Muslim (lying through teeth).
Boy: (completely falls for it)
DeT: But actually I'm Catholic (still lying through teeth, most likely Protestant if was anything, CoE.)
Boy: You want Jesus to save your soul so you can go to Heaven! Yes?
DeT: (Of course not, are you completely insane?!?!?! I'm not going to Heaven if you're going to be there!!!!) Erm...possibly.
Boy: (frowns) Possibly?
DeT: (shrugs)
Boy: Can I pray for you?
DeT: (Not one to turn down a free prayer for self) Sure, if it makes you happy.
Boy: (waltzes into house, places hands either side of my head) You have to close your eyes.
DeT: (closes eyes)
Boy: (prays very loudly in Luganda and clicking his fingers next to my ear every few seconds)
DeT: (opens eyes slightly)
Boy: (prays loudly)
DeT: (watches boy, shoulders start shaking, tries not to giggle)
Boy: (opens eyes, pauses) You have to keep your eyes closed.
DeT: (closes eyes, though Boy shouldn't have had his eyes open to notice my eyes open. Bad Boy)
Boy: (finishes prayer) Sorry for not praying in English.
DeT: No problem. I can't pray in Russian.
Boy: (stares, looks confused) Tonight you will have a dream and Jesus will come to you and he will tell you how to solve all your problems.
DeT: (bites lip, nods with serious expression)
Boy: Write down your dream and I'll come back and help you understand it.
DeT: (nods) Yes, absolutely! Thank you. Great praying.
Boy: (nods, smiles) I'll see you soon, bye. (buggers off)

I did have a dream.
My dead cat Fluffy was at the Fairfield RSPCA and my Mum found her there and brought her home.
Which I think means that Jesus is trying to contact me to say he's been born again and is trapped as a cat in a pound.

Bummer.

MIA

2008-10-17T03:55:00.002+10:00

*cough* so...maybe one of you could let us know personally next time? When is the next BHH? The 30th? And yes, sorry, but honestly people! antipop you whore, how could you have managed to not even mention it!!

Heard of Hygiene?

2008-10-11T19:29:00.003+10:00

Guess where I am...can you guess? Let me give you a hint, there are some fucking ugly birds flying overhead...

Nakulabye.

I'm not going to get sick of this place, even though there is some small spot of dirt on my skirt!! How dare this country dirty my clothes!!! Where's my bomb got to?!?!?! Other than that horrifically huge shortcoming this place is COOOOOL. I'm so never leaving...okay so I am at some point going to have to go home, you know what relatives can be like.

Overall impressions of Uganda: Freaking Motherfucking Awesome!! I'm becoming an illegal immigrant.

Whoever said this country is hot is fucking lying whore.

I'm racist. Every time I see another White person I get quite irritated, mainly because they're either all over 40 or fat, wobbly, sweat covered and bright red with dirty hair!!! You there, White person, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!! What kind of representation is that?? I'm ashamed to be associated with you people! Where the fuck is your hair brush? Shampoo? Conditioner? Sunscreen? Beetroot is only an acceptable shade when it's over 40c. And what the hell are you wearing? You would never be seen dead in those clothes back home!! Don't you understand that when you go overseas you are representing your country, culture and people? Don't shame me by going outside with three weeks of dirt caked to your hair! You disgust me! Stop wasting your money on those beggars and go buy some fucking soap!

I'm seeing Antipop this afternoon....I feel so honoured.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

2008-10-05T18:57:00.002+10:00

Where prehistoric birds adorn lamp posts, where Antipop is President and where Dreadlocked Communists and Bald Children roam, free range, across the country side...

To the magical land of Uganda I come.

Someone owes me a drink.

Fun Times!

2008-10-03T08:17:00.004+10:00

I have Glandular Fever.

It sucks.

For people asking, I leave on Sunday midnight (Monday) and arrive on Tuesday afternoon.

*EDIT*

Poor Dark Night, I forced him all the way to Wikipedia to discover what Glandular Fever is...sucker :-)

Glandular Fever is Infectious mononucleosis, also known as Pfeiffer's disease, mono, in that dumb country (USA), all the intelligent people call it Glandular Fever.

It has various symptoms, of those these are the pesky ones I have:

Fever—this varies, but is seen in nearly all cases.
Enlarged and tender lymph nodes—particularly the posterior cervical lymph nodes.
Sore throat—White patches on the tonsils and back of the throat are often seen
(Yes there are white patches, I got my torch and shone it down my throat and was like "Ewwwwwwwww what the fuck is that??" I even got a cotton tip to see if the white stuff could be scraped off...it can't. I'm pissed. MY TONSILS ARE TURNING WHITE!!! What the fuck do they think they're doing?? I AM ALREADY WHITE!!! To my Tonsils: You can't turn white, we're already white and you are not, under any circumstances allowed to pull a Michael Jackson!!!!)
Aching muscles (On Monday I couldn't actually move, or at least I got to the couch and then couldn't get up again)
Headache
Loss of appetite (Well there goes that Ugandan weight, sorry Carlo)
Dizziness or disorientation (Not fun to have in the city)
Inability to swallow, due to enlarged tonsils (Can I have a bucket please?)
Dry cough (This list just got boring)

I know who gave this to me too, it was Ginger...I mean I knew she didn't want me to go very much but this is evil. My hat's off to you! Wish I'd thought of this when my friend left, could have made them stay for ages longer. But no cigar my dear, I'm going anyway, I'll just not be allowed to kiss anyone until it's gone, so two weeks - a few months. I'm sorry Chanel, looks like we'll have to post-pone our date.

@Kakaire: My paws are greasier than yours.

Exportation

2008-09-30T11:45:00.009+10:00

I've started a company. It's called DeTamble Exports. My first job is to export myself.

I leave on Sunday.

Apart from that I've been busy these past few weeks, hence the lack of posts.

My friend Amber came to visit. She, I and Michael went over to Bee's inner-city apartment (very sexy!) and ate chocolate hash cake and watched Alien, spent the whole time making crude jokes about it too and wishing there was more nudity! When the movie was over Amber said she wanted to watch porn and so we went to the porn shop near the Teddy Bear shop on the next street. We spent an hour there. We bought a gay German porno called...erm...actually I don't remember what it was called. We also got this real old school one called Every Inch A Lady, that was awesome! It was like a whole fucking movie! I've never seen such an intense plot on a porno before!! There was a three DVDs for the price of two so we also got one called Amberella. My friends tend to call me Ella alot, what can I say, Australians have an obsession with shortening names. So a porno with Amber and Ella in it. We had to have it!!

It was good but I freaked out whilst watching it because a) it was old porn and the girls obviously never heard of trimming and b) neither had the guys and c) remind me to NEVER EVER EVER let a guy with a moustache go down on me! NO FUCKING WAY!!! It looks gross!!! Get your filthy yeti lip away from my pussy!

I finished my last shift at work last Sunday. All done! YAY! I was going to burn my work shirt but instead I had people sign it :-) inlcuding a customer.

The past few months I've been sick on and off, it's been a fucking nuisance!! Back in March I lost about 4 kg in two weeks...illness does not become me in the slightest. July 2007 I got this horrific bout of influenza and it just keeps coming back. So I went to the doctor three months ago for some injections (for Uggy Land) and she measured and weighed me and said that I needed to gain some weight. She said it would be a very wise idea to gain about three to five kgs otherwise if I got sick, malaria or something else that I have never had, then I'd at least have some spare pudge. Apparently the last thing you want is to get sick and already be on the lowest BMI. So I put on some weight....and I didn't have to pay a cent to do it! My Mum when all Motherly on my arse!!

"Ohh my Baby is leaving me, let me feed you!!" And so she did. And I ate. And now I'm fat*. And my Doctor is somewhat proud of me :-)

Now all that was fun but the best thing I did was last Friday. I was in the city and there was a group of Aboriginal dancers there from the Yuggera tribe and I was watching them, along with a couple of hundred other people and one of the guys came over and asked me to go dance with them. So I did. I dumped my shoes and bag with their stuff and went and danced.

*48kg.

The Real Land of The Free, Do You Hear Me

2008-09-11T15:51:00.006+10:00

CB Disclaimer: This post may offend some people and is sure to diverge from its original point and go down the ranting path. It will be long, most of you will drop off like starving refugees along the way and are unlikely to reach the end.*

…I actually intended this post to tell Comrade not to compare Indigenous crime rates with that of South Africa or an American ghetto but already I’m going to deviate from the point and write something else.

We came here in chains, as animals, bitter, angry, frightened, the hated scum of another place. Slaves under another name. That’s what we were and that’s how we treated you.

We brought our diseases and consequently killed over half your families.

We tried to survive in a place considered akin to hell. The flies, the dust, the suffocating heat, no rain, no water, no food and with the brutality of the place where we were born we used you and killed you.

That’s what our society had taught us, take and destroy. Remember to pillage before you burn.

Collectively I guess we moved on, or some of us did. I know there are still places that are racist, homophobic and sexist, like Townsville. But it seems, to me, looking back, that we, the White migrants, learnt some compassion, developed a sense of humanity, realised that it is wrong to treat others as less than yourself based on something as insignificant as your skin tone.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, it’s weird to talk about. It is taboo.

I want to say I’m sorry for the actions of my ancestors. I’m sorry we took your land without asking. I’m sorry we treated you so badly. I’m sorry that so many migrants, White or not find it so hard to look you in the eye when we pass you in the street. I’m sorry so many of us are afraid to talk to you. I’m sorry that we continue to follow misconceptions without asking for the truth.

When I was younger I wondered if I could leave, go back to Europe, one less person living on land that is not theirs. But that is silly. It would make me immensely unhappy and solves nothing. This is my home, Australia is where I was born, it’s where I’ve grown up and it is the place I love more than anywhere else. This is the country of my citizenship, I have no where else. This is me. I am Australian and when you leave, your country means all the more to you. When you’re gone and you meet someone else from your home, no matter how fleeting the relationship is, that person will have an innate and almost complete understanding of you. It’s a shared history, a shared humour, we know the same sounds, same tastes, same smells, we know the intricacies of our culture.

Our history is shameful and I have felt ashamed in the presence of Indigenous Australians. I am Irish Australian and my white skin speaks for me, it tells you where my ancestors are from, it screams hundreds and hundreds of years of unacceptable cruelty. Black people say we put them down, made them feel less than animals, slaughtered them and it’s true. But through all that you were never in the wrong. Wait till you open a history book and realise that every single thing in there is White people senselessly and horrifically killing anyone who wasn’t White enough. All that pain and suffering caused by people you’re so obviously related to. No wonder White people don’t want to look at their history, it’s pure hatred and violence. I don’t want to look at an Indigenous Australian and know that someone from my past killed or raped or beat someone from their family. And so for years I hung my head in shame when ever I walked past any Indigenous person. I couldn’t look at them, the guilt was too much, I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

I shouldn’t feel ashamed though. Just because my skin is White doesn’t make me a bad person and though my ancestors did terrible things to humanity doesn’t mean I have to follow them and I shouldn't make other people, however unintentionally, feel ashamed of who they are. So for once as I passed an Aboriginal lady in the city I smiled at her, instead of looking away like everyone else was doing. She looked so shocked and I felt as shocked as she looked, my heart was beating wildly, I was worried she would dislike the fact that I had so obviously taken notice of her, since it isn’t normal here, I didn’t know what the reaction would be but I worried needlessly. For a few moments she just looked shocked and then she smiled back, it was a huge smile, hell, it wasn’t even a smile it was a massive grin! And I loved every second of it!

Screw feeling guilty and ashamed. I accept that the country Australia has a terrible history but it is history, don’t make it the present. Move forward. Don’t follow the stereotype. It doesn’t matter if you’re Indigenous Australian, German Australian, Sri Lankan Australian, Malaysian Australian, Ugandan Australian or Irish Australian, we’re all Australian, we all matter and we should treat each other with respect. Mostly we all went through a lot of crap to be here too, the Indigenous put up with terrible treatment and most of the migrants came as prisoners or fleeing starvation, war or corruption. If it isn’t enough for Australians to treat each other the same simply for being Australian then the fact that we ALL have grandparents who suffered for us to be here should be enough.

*Country Boyi disclaimer, though the post didn’t reach the length nor did it step on as many toes as I intended, I’m leaving the disclaimer anyway. In fact this post totally deviated from my original plan. But I realised you can read facts and figures in the history books, Blogs are for the feeling behind the statistic.

Up there, that girl is Samantha Harris. She is fucking gorgeous. Sorry Comrade, I can no longer marry you, I’m afraid Brothers GUG and WildeY will have to go without their cows and cars because I’m marrying an Aboriginal so I can have a kid who looks like her. Plus there is no better way to find peace, merge so there is no one left to blame ;-)

To Bathe and Beyond!

2008-09-04T16:57:00.008+10:00

A new family moved in downstairs. A Mum and two kids, the kids don't go to school cause they are too cool! Just like I was. I didn't go to school properly, ie. more than term here and there, until I was 13. But this really has nothing to do with anything except that I found some photos and I'm going to put them up here.

Taadaaa!!

This was my old room, no proper walls so I plasticed them up and stuck some entertainment on them...yes, that is my school hat.

I used to sneak out that door and go sleep with the Lithuanian boy next door ;-)

This is my back yard...the chickens be long gone :-(

And this is my Fire Bath. You fill it with water, light a fire underneath it and when the water is hot you put the fire out, get in and lie around naked in the sun. It's heaven.

Not that you can see but the fire is in the shape of a tortoise. Sorry about the crappy pictures but I was naked when taking them (shock, horror) and I couldn't be bothered going down in the yard to take a good picture.

Cassiopeia. We gave her away, thank God, I'm so sick of pets!

Happy Centenary!!

2008-09-02T20:36:00.009+10:00

This is my 100th post.

I wanted my 100th post to be a happy one, or something special, to celebrate 100 times of extreme time wasting on Blogger.

But instead my hundredth post will be this:

You and I, GUG, are no longer friends. I will never speak to you again. I can't block you from my Blog but I will not be going to yours ever again. If you show face here or in my inbox you will be ignored. Princess and I have put up with you mistreating us for too long and for me this is officially the end. Don't think this is done out of anger though, sure it contains a small amount of spite and vengeance but there is no anger here. Not even annoyance, simply cold calculation and my conclusion is that you are not the sort of person I want to know.

Sorry Princess, for dragging you into this, but you're not online to consult with right now and frankly I've had enough. I'm cutting him off and I am sorry that you'll most likely get caught in the middle.

I am aware that this is taking things to far but that's just too bad.

See, he and I were joking around yesterday, a continuation of that Comrade thing he started in response to Petesmama's kwanjula post. As usual it was amusing but apparently I was not my usual feisty self, he was right, I was being restrained. So I made an effort to give him what he wanted, despite my better judgement and I told him exactly what I thought and things stopped being so funny.

In case you were not aware GUG is marrying me off, as his little sister, to Comrade. I'm totally cool with it, even though in essence he is selling me to Comrade. But since I actually like Comrade I really don't mind either way. All was fine until I wanted to know how much he reckoned I was worth (50 cows and two cars). But instead I was told that "Women are not supposed to talk money. Or possessions. It is, err, demeaning to womanhood". And this is where it got nasty and stopped being a joke.

He had either not read the signals that stated this was not a topic I wanted to discuss or he was just pushing me on purpose because that's something he seems to like to do. So GUG, this is an absolutely non-joking, non-sarcastic version of what I said, since you didn't get it the first time around.

And just so you know, I am no feminist. Feminism pisses me off, too extreme, overbearing machoness also pisses me off. I loath seeing men or women throwing their weight around claiming to be better than the other sex for whatever brilliant reasons they've come up with.

The middle way is generally best.

So when I'm being told that because I am a girl I am not allowed to do something, think something, say something, that's hardly going to sit well with me. I would NEVER tell a boy that he is not allowed to do something because he is a man. I would not exclude someone based on gender. I would not stoop so low as to presume that based simply upon someones gender that I know better than them or even have some kind of right to tell them what to do.

And GUG you're right, I've forgotten the difference between us. Or maybe I never knew it in the first place. Because the only difference I see is that I'm from a generation that has complete sexual equality and sees no point in raising one sex above the other in any situation.

Also GUG, I do understand, you're not speaking in code, I can understand you. But just because I understand you does not mean I agree with you.

And yes, I was a little harsh and said that his customs were sexist but most customs are either sexist or just plain stupid. Like eating chocolate on Easter. Or everyone following Coca Cola's Santa unquestioningly. And yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and in my opinion GUG is hypocritical. When someone whinges and whines about being treated as less than human because of their sexuality, something you have no control over and then turns around and declares, even jokingly, that because I'm a girl I just don't have the same rights as a boy, that is being hypoctritical.

And in that case GUG, if, as a woman, my place is on my knees before a man, then your place, as a homosexual, is prison.

In other words, I'm tired of your bitching and I'm tired of you imposing your 'male rights' on me. I'm tired of your complete disregard for mine and Princess' feelings and I don't like the way you come crawling back all apologies and sweetness and then hurt us all over again.

And one last thing, this was never about Africa. This was about your personal need to show how manly you are by putting others down. And you're right, I won't be googling African Women because this is not about African women, this really has nothing to do with Africa anything. It's simply that whether being serious or joking it's not acceptable to put an entire group beneath you just so you can feel better. And I'm not going delving into your past posts, so if you have written posts about how wonderful women are that makes what you said even worse.

Of course maybe you just really dumb, or maybe you just like to play with people or maybe you're just not that great at reading social situations and you often tend to accidentally go too far.

I don't know and I don't really care but I do not surround myself with people who are sexist or racist and I would be stupid to continue to hang around you when for almost the exact same reason I have cut contact with other friends.

GUG, you are no longer welcome here.

Everyday White Trash

2008-09-01T17:35:00.002+10:00

I showed up at work today and was presented with a...a...OH GOD IT WAS AWFUL!!!

They gave me a white cap to wear that said 'Everyday Money' on it. See, Woolies, yes, I am ashamed, I work at Woolies. That platypus killing, bush destroying, evil corporate, selfish, bastardised, community fucking, slavery riding, profit scamming, hell hole dictatorship they call a business. And this business, like Tomas de Torquemada in green, has made their very own credit card. Hence the cap, not only do we have to use our head as advertising space but we're also supposed to ask every single customer if they would like one of these debt inducing Everyday Money credit cards. Of course I did not ask a single person. I do have morals you know!!

But this cap. It's huge. And I was seething about having to wear it. I don't do caps. Do I look like a stupid cap wearing gangsta to you? No, I didn't think so! In fact I had to stop hanging out with those Zimbabweans because their constant cap usage was tarnishing my otherwise impeccable reputation. I can't be seen with people who wear caps. By the way, Comrade, if you dare to wear a cap in my presence you can bet your black squashy nose you will be punched. Don't. Tempt. Me.

I was sulking. Hardcore. About this crap-reputation-image-damaging cap I was being forced to wear. I spent two full hours sulking until one of the girls I work with, who didn't have to wear one because she isn't a checkout bitch like me, said it looked like it could be a truckie cap. So I made the horn sign and she cracked up, which made me slightly happier. Only slightly mind. Wazza came by and made some stupid gangsta joke. I pulled some dumb gang sign and said 'sup nigga with one of the stupid pouts they put on when they try to look cool. And then it came to me, something to make me happy. I'm a gonna steal that stupid cap, cross out money and write White Trash instead.

2008-08-31T21:29:00.003+10:00

KT - Hay gurl Do u kno what, i was thinking it wuld b such a shame if didn spend atleast 1 night 2getha hay

11:43:59am 29th/08/2008

Why did I just find this in my drafts and who is KT??

Mateos From My Floor

2008-08-30T19:32:00.002+10:00

Literally five minutes ago Uganda was on the tv. There I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch and this ad came on for a program called Family Footsteps (7:30pm Thursday ABC).

So the ad starts with this crowded road full of Africans and I went "Hey Mum, look, UGANDA!!"
And she glares at me for disturbing the peace and asks how I know. I shrug. Haven't got a clue how I knew. I just did. And I was bloody right to! As the ad progresses and they stop showing Ugandan infested roads the voice over comes on and "Blah blah, Uganda, blah." And I smile, radiating smugness for knowing it was Uganda after a split second.

It continues to show this half Ugandan man who left for Australia when he was three years old and blah blah blah and you'll never guess what happened next :P

I bounced right off the floor, pointing out the tv and practically screeched to my Mother, "look, LOOK! It's Mateos!!!" LOOOK MUM!!!! LOOK!!"

Anyway, apart from the fact that I'm a fucking genius for picking out Uganda in a split second out of all the possible African countries it could have been, I bought my tickets.

And Antipop, I'll get my hands on another season of My Family for you, so you better frickin have access to a tv etc.

Comrade, I have Kundun, Amelie and Hey Hey It's Esther Blueburger for your veiwing pleasure.

Drugged to Delirium

2008-08-28T22:10:00.002+10:00

*crawls pitifully back to Blogger*

Sorry. Been away. Been dying. Had a psycho bout of influenza. I won't tell you about it but suffice to say it was so bad I called Him up and cried into the phone and asked if he could swing by and kill me. End my miserable suffering. Most of the time I was so weak I couldn't even get out of bed.

Moving on now :D

A couple of months ago I managed to slam my head so hard into a door, no, don't ask what I was doing, I broke my nose. Thankfully it's barely noticeable. Second time I've broken it actually. First time my best-friend's sister slammed a baseball bat in the my face. Nose is still in centre. Looks normal. Feels sore. Aches. Still got a red tinge to the skin, like slight sunburn. Doctor says it will fade within a couple more months and so should my headaches, and Doctor is right because both have already subsided.

I'm back now. Tell you fun stuff on my next post.

Sleep well.

And remember the golden rule, if you're being bitten by fleas at night, kill one and the rest will go to its funeral.

I Always Wanted To Be A Child Soldier

2008-08-06T11:02:00.008+10:00

I used to have a rule about not dating anyone with brown eyes. Casual sex with a brown eyed person was fine but emotional attachment was not. With emotional attachment comes that remote and horrific possibility of a child and I decided long ago that if I had to have one of those irritating, sticky, wanting, needy, grasping, money thieving disgustoids in human form that it would be one with blue eyes.

Yes, I do understand the colloquial meaning of shallow.

I have a thing for blue eyes, I also have a thing for dark, curly red hair, but that's beside the point. If you took a look at my line of previous boyfriends the term, Aryan Race, might spring to mind. As a child I even had a thing for the Hitler Youth. Well, the cute ones from WWII movies, not the actual ones, the real Hitler Youth's hair was always too short, I thought they frowned too much and the pictures of them were always black and white and grainy. Not acceptable for a pin up.

So there I was, dating an Aryan boy, he was so white he was practically translucent and I was happy in the knowledge that if things fucked up and I didn't want to abort then at least the brat would be a blue eyed brat. Obviously by cutting out brown eyed people from my dating range that included every race that is not Caucasian and every Caucasian that is not blue eyed. One of my friends said that was totally racist but actually it isn't racist, it's race related, but not racist.

My Mother has always wanted a grandchild. She had a plan for me that involved children, amongst other things and since I wanted to please her I went along with it. All our family had blue eyes, until my generation, all my cousins have brown eyes, except me and my Mother always thought it would be sad if I didn't continue on the blue eyes, so I went along with that specification too. In fact I went along with pretty much everything she wanted but frankly Aryan boys, as cute as I think they may be, are not for me. Though I do really like blue eyes and think they are very pretty what I really like are Japanese boys, boys with turbans, Sri Lankan boys, Maori boys and Eastern and Southern African boys.

Of course I'd never say no to a good looking German, Serbian or New Zealand boy, but I think that may have more to do with their kick-arse accent!

Don't want to dissapoint my Mother though by giving her a brown eyed baby, so I'll call a compromise and give her no baby. So now Blogren, let us raise our glasses and toast to NO evil, manipulative, minature DeTambles slutting themselves around the place!

--

Bakashaba Ruhanga Owomwiguru Kubahereza Yabahereza DeTamble

To Comrade, Wishing You Were Here.

2008-07-31T00:58:00.003+10:00

I was once told by a boy, as I lay under him, naked from the waist up, beneath a fig tree, that I was one of the most open girls he had ever met.

I was once told by a boy who loved me more than any other that I am the original, raw description of a free spirit.

I don't know how right they are but I'm taking it as a compliment.

I don't know anything about being open or a free spirit.

Sounds complicated.

Sounds challenging.

I try to avoid hurting myself, though that does not detract from openness or being free.

I try to avoid hurting others, that does detract from openness and being free.

All I know is that I do things that make me happy, that make me laugh, that make me smile, that involve real emotions and don't leave me feeling empty and shallow or used.

All I know is that I live my life by one rule. Always Get What You Want*. It has served me well these past two decades, it has never let me down and strangely enough life rarely ever disappoints me.

*Never Want Anything You Can't Have.

God Fuck All Communists!

2008-07-25T00:17:00.003+10:00

As you may have noticed I have been posting utter crap of late. I mean really, have you noticed the shit I've put up here? Even I'm disturbed by just how bad the posts have been. I'm afraid I haven't got it in me to write properly these days.

I keep composing long political posts but I never want to post them because something is missing. So instead I feel guilty about not posting in over a week, cram some stuff together, hope it's legible and hit the publish button.

Comrade! Why did you have to go! Don't you understand how lonely I am without you? I have no one to scream, rage, rant and rampage with. I don't want to post something interesting without you here to rip it apart sentence by sentence and tell me how wrong I am! The other Bloggers are cool but they don't quite have that psychotic, slightly unfounded hatred streak and I think if I attempted to place 500+ word comments on their Blogs over and over they might take out a restraining order on me.

Fuck You 27th!!

...You coming back soon? Pleeeeeeaaaasssssssssssssssseeeeeee!! Can't keep posting this crap, it's getting me down.

So here's some more crap to space fill.
I'm moving house, sometime in August, don't know when, don't know where.

Tribes and Naming Rights

2008-07-23T22:02:00.000+10:00

I'd just like to express my deepest and most sarcastic gratitude to Chanel for thinking I need an African name. Did you see what they came up with? And GUG thinks I have a big nose, though he's not even seen it and said I should be with the Baganda. So NOT COOL!! No offense to the Baganda who drop by here but I can do better. In response to the names people gave. And it's obvious most of you cannot follow simple directions, I wonder how any of you passed your school exams...but I shan't dwell on that.
Omuramba! - Well, I quite like being named after an alcohol. And I guess you win, only because I don't want you to hit me if I don't say you win...
Nansamba - Means what exactly?
Kukyakara - Huh?
Nomvhulangxa - Well, I would, but I can't spell that shit without having to check back here!
Sokhilixwezingikwe - Ditto, though I can click reasonably well.
Nakawunde - Means what?
Kamese - You're trying to name me Rat/Mouse? I don't fucking think so loser!!
Aber - Best suggestion so far. Sounds nice and I CAN SPELL IT! :P Middle name?
And as far as tribe goes...screw the Baganda! I refuse to be part of that tribe. My nose is a perfectly normal size, nothing overly-large about it! And I'm not a, wait, what was it they were called...oh right, I'm not a back-stabbing, theiving gossipmonger! I'd rather be a Mukiga. Antipop is a Mukiga and she's a bitch. I want that tribe! Any excuse to be a bitch 24/7 and I am so there! How do I join? Obviously too late to be born one. So, initiation ceremony? I can give you a rib. Or do you join the tribe of whoever you marry? Anyone want to give me the number of a cute Bakiga?

Butts, Booty and Suicide Ledges

2008-07-23T13:57:00.005+10:00

I had a conversation yesterday night with three people, a dreadlocked man, a Vietnamese chick and a Brazilian guy. The DL turned to me and asked, very randomly, if I liked Alicia Keys. I said yes, she's nice. And he asked if I thought she had booty? Then in piped the other girl and guy and the conversation got so out of hand I almost cried with laughter.

I don't remember much of the conversation since I was grappling with a painful laughing stitch and trying to get enough oxygen so that I didn't suffocate! But the small parts I can recall went something like this:

J-Lo does not actually have booty. It may look like she does, but if you take a close look it's all hips. SHE HAS MASSIVE CHILD BEARING HIPS!!! And so her butt looks huge because it has to cover those wide, wide hips. But of course that stance really depends on your personal booty view point. In our conversation it was agreed that no, J-Lo does not in fact have booty. What she does have is curves, wide hips and a personal trainer to get that butt into shape. Because without it her butt wouldn't be booty, if it is even that, it would just be wide.

Why have we decided she doesnt' have booty? Because to have real booty your butt must be high! Also, everyone is claiming to have booty these days. It's Hollywood hype. Booty sells. And we don't think booty should be handed to every Tom, Dick and No-Talent Harry who a record label assigned a trainer to, to work their butt into a deceptive booty so they could make some money.

And of course once we got past the shallow Hollywood Booty we got onto real butts and booty.
I was practically in tears by this time so it was mainly the two guys who were speaking.
They said that guys like butts, but no kidding, everyone likes butts. They said what they were looking for in a butt was something they could grab. Round, a little plump, prefferably a little toned. A butt that has been taken care of, smooth, warm, oval, none of that square flat, neglected stuff! They said Booty is a term that gets thrown around far too often, which is very irresponsible. See, real Booty, it has to be high! High and round and plump! And this is something only some girls have. But then we got totally distracted by the high aspect Booty must have, in our opinion. Because African boys have some of the highest butts in existence! Have you seen them??

The Vietnamese girl chimes in with a tale of the African man on her bus who had such a high butt she though he should be offering to carry her home on it. Like a perch. Dreadlocks started miming some ridiculous stuff about African mens butts. But all I can remember was that he made a joke about reaching for his wallet and simply reached a couple of inches over his shoulder, as though his butt was so high that's all it took to get to his back pocket. But he's not far off, so I said when I regained my breath, I know a Nigerian boy and his butt is so high is like a fucking ledge!

DL - Ledge? Ha! Some of their butts are so high people will start commiting suicide off them!

The African Naming Challenge!

2008-07-17T15:38:00.005+10:00

Part of the Pope's visit to Sydney, with a new follower......and now for the POST!

Chanel has deemed it necessary for me to be given an African name. Which is fine by me...so long as I can be Christened in Vodka. Or any alcohol really. Well, anything non-staining. You pour red wine on me and I will rip your fucking earlobe off with my nails! With that said, Antipop has already got in and named me Nansamba. I don't know what it means or how to pronounce it.

So here's the Challenge: Choose a name, tell the meaning, the tribe and why it is awesome enough for me to carry? Oh and while you're at it why not choose me a tribe as well. Something suitable that covers my oh-so-wonderful traits.

And if anyone knows the name that means "Fucking Awesome, Better than God and Can Kick Your Arse" then that'll be the winner.

The Heart Asks Pleasure First

2008-07-15T22:39:00.002+10:00

I have bloggers block, or something similar. I can think of a million things to write about but I just can’t bring myself to actually write any of them. Every time I start I get sidetracked onto my now dead cat. And I don’t want to write some stupid sappy post about how sad I am my kitty died, hell, I didn’t even like the cat that much. Irritating rapist fluff ball that it was. Obviously I have serious issues though because he’s on my mind constantly, in fact, I’m sure he’s actually standing behind me, right now, rattling a ball and chain and meowing a haunting song. So here is my post about my dead cat, whom I can’t stop thinking about. Though, perhaps the real problem is that, some idiot, namely my Mother, has insisted upon placing his picture as the desktop wallpaper. Since I spend an unhealthy amount of time here I’m unimpressed by his huge ginger presence glaring at me from the screen whenever I misguidedly minimise all my windows.

Nevertheless, here is my cat post. And since I’m posting about cats I figured I might as well post about all my cats. Whom I all feel varying levels of hatred towards, except one, who hates me as much as I hate her and through our mutual level of hatred we get along quite well...

Well, that's what I wrote last Friday. And now it is next Tuesday night and I am exhausted, fucking pissed off too and quite depressed. I'm supposed to go to a funeral tomorrow but instead I have to go look at an apartment to rent. I have an 80th birthday party to go to soon and my Opa is coming to visit too. Which is good because I was worried I wouldn't get to see him again before I left, which reminds me, I need to call my Dad and tell him I'm switching countries again. I'm not telling the rest of my family I'm leaving until I've already left, then I'm just going to mass email them.

I think I'll go to bed now because sleep is the only thing stopping me from screaming out loud, because the person holding my heart is crushing it and it's ripping me apart.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is the Theme from The Piano.

The Heart Asks Pleasure First.

For GUG

2008-07-04T22:00:00.002+10:00

You know I can never deny you anything so here goes. For Guggy and for WildeY.

One early evening, 20 years ago my Mother L, Father J and Father I were sitting around and of course the topic got onto sex. L wanted to shag J. I wanted to shag L. And J wanted to shag them both. And so they did. And here I am!!

The utterly adorable, I-N-C-O-R-R-I-G-I-B-L-E, slutty DeTamble, the product of a friendly, raunchy and apparently very good threesome.

GUG wants details. But what details do I know? I was busy swimming and play loop the loop with my tail and kicking some serious sperm butt! Obviously I kicked butt 'cause I got to the egg first, because that's just the sort of awesome person I am. See I would have been the leader and would have shouted too all my now dead brothers and sisters that this way is the right way. And I would have led them into a trap!!! A sticky wall! We would have been racing full pelt and I would have swerved and ducked under them and the rest would have been to stupid to realise and would have careened into the walls! Heheheh. Then I would have dusted my tail on my fat body and swum on. Plotting and planning the destruction of all the other sperm still around, and gloating over my imminent triumph and conquerage of the egg!

One detail I do know is that my Father J, the one I'm actually fully related to, is big. Long and thick. So that particular piece of dormant genetic code had better be passed down to my son. Or else! If he can't have blue eyes, at least let him have a huge cock.

Your Opinion?

2008-07-03T02:18:00.003+10:00

Someone said I was too skinny. But pffft, screw them, I beg to differ! Take a look, does that look too skinny to you?

And yes I am aware that I'm very much on the whiter side of White. No need for pasty related comments. Nor too many comments on the state of the room...

To My Future Children, I Hope You Love Your Mother Bee...

2008-07-02T16:47:00.006+10:00

This is what a saw when I woke up that morning those few months ago when my friends and I were still together. I was sleeping on the floor in my undies and someone else's shirt and the sun coming through the door woke me up.

Antipop II

2008-07-02T01:47:00.019+10:00

For Fabulous Antipop, the owner of That Smile ;-) Enjoy. For you lazy bloggers who had the cameras, how could you? You know Facebook hates her! You should be feeling ashamed, leaving her out like that you cold hearted monsters.

Yes, finally, he thinks as he meets her for the first time: Antipop and...dunno, maybe Dante.

These guys thought I was picturing them kumbe I was on the (insert word) guy up there: Duksey, Edmo, Heaven and Chanel.

Muwanguzi Archilleo: The now reformed alcoholic spreading the good word.

Talk about intense: Duksey and Edmo.

So you see, when I press it here like this, it snaps pikichaz like magic!: Dante and Carlo.

One on one seemed like a better idea: Muwanguzi Archilleo and Eddsla.

It was still starting out only to pick up later: Edmo and Kissyfur.

Isn't that bag divine? Edmo and Kissyfur.

Where are you going?! Heaven, Eddsla and Chanel.

Edmo seems to be having a conversation with his Coca-cola. Ivan and Edmo.

Heaven, Dante and Chanel.

(Why don't I know who you are?), Edmo, Carlo, Antipop and Kissyfur.

You have the right to remain silent and watch me drink your beer. 27th, Ivan and Duksey.

??, Dee and Carlo.

Sex and the City, baby! Dee.

Rev's kitten wrote that book. Antipop (ain't she just gorgeous) and Edmo.

Check the bag! Comrade and Jazz.

I salute thee my comrades...The Communist is actually Rastafarian deep down.

Carlo picked Samantha for a button. What does that tell you?

Bambi, he took the hat off to greet. Chanel, Eddsla and Antipop.

Papa Ian

2008-06-28T21:02:00.003+10:00

To my Daddy, I love you and I miss you, oh and you look awful sexy as a French prostitute...

So this is my father, the one on the left. Honestly 31337, he's the one with facial hair, you were half asleep when you asked me that weren't you? The other is a girl called Zeshi! And she's about the coolest person, EVER! Sorry Antipop, you may have been outdone, but no one's got a smile like yours. Savage, what's the difference between a father and a daddy? Or were you thinking that I meant he's my sugar daddy?

Can you see the family resemblance? He's not my biological father, who knows where that git is but he's the one who brought me up and he's the one who I share my deep love of mirrors with. We're both utterly vain. Hugely. I mean if you ever thought for a moment that you were vain, well I'm sorry to say but compared with us, you're not. In fact, when we walk down the street together we pause in front of every, and I mean EVERY single shop window and gaze at our reflections and we get particularly annoyed when the glass isn't spotless, since it makes it harder for us to shed our adoring gaze upon ourselves.

Cheri, you're right, my father is HOT! People think he's my boyfriend and their mouths quite literally drop when I'm introduced as his daughter. And every single time, without fail they say 'I didn't know you had a daughter! Surely you're too young to have a grown child! :-o'

His name is Liao Wen Xian, eat your heart out Comrade! Oh and Comrade, I'll bring you my book of Chinese characters when I swing by but before I hand it over you will concede that I am right about Tibet and you are completely and utterly wrong and you will kneel, on the dirt, and beg my forgiveness for being a total prat! And then you may have the book.

Mugabe Hijacked My Phone

2008-06-27T18:24:00.005+10:00

So there I was, sleeping happily when an envy inducing text was sent my way at 2:27am. I'd just like to thank my ever so thoughtful friend for waking me. Awfully kind of you. I will get you back, just you wait, when you least expect it....

Well, actually it's a good thing you woke me because half an hour later, that makes it 3am for those of you who can't do simple arithmetic, Tapiwa showed up. At 3am! I heard the door slide open and someone creeping along the hall way. If this had been a few years ago I would have been freaking out, thinking it was a robber/rapist/psycho but over the past year I seem to have befriended people who have no concept of appropriate visiting times (or appropriate texting times!). I sat up in bed and watched the doorway, waiting to see which of my inconsiderate friends it was going to be, only I couldn't see anyone but I knew they were there.

DeT - "Hi Taps"
T - "How did you know it was me?!"
DeT - "Erm, 'cause I can't see you..."
T - "Ohh..."
DeT - "So, did you want something, or did you just miss me?"
T - "Actually, umm, sorry, I was wondering if I could use your phone?"
DeT - *raises eyebrows* "So you drove all the way over here at 3am just to use the telephone."

He walked into my room, how he made it to the bed without stepping on anything I'll never know, and sat down. I pressed my phone so I could see him. Poor baby boy, he looked so stressed and tired.

T - "I need to call home and my home phone won't call international and I got no airtime left"
DeT - *rolls eyes* "When do you ever!" *sighs and slides out of bed* "Yeah, wait here I'll go get the phone, you got a calling card?"
T - "No."
DeT - "Eh, no matter, I'll just show you the bill when it comes"
T - "Thanks."

So I brought in the phone and gave it to him and snuggled back under the doona. He lay on top of my bed and called his dad for over an hour. He can't find his mum, the phone kept saying all the lines were down in the area and he's stressing out because of the election. Later in the morning I asked him why he'd come all the way over here, why didn't he use a closer friends phone?

T - "Because I knew you were the only person who wouldn't give me the third degree for showing up that late. Oh and 'cause I knew the door would be open."

Ahhhhh, nice thought that.

Lack of Sex Scenes on SBS Is Like Being In Hell

2008-06-26T09:40:00.003+10:00

You'll all be so proud of me! I scammed food off my friends and I didn't even have to tell them. Ahhhhh, the joys of having rich friends. One of them even has a pool... :D

Megs bought me a Hot Chocolate with a shot of Hazelnut from Starbucks in return for me being her make up model last night. In other words I sat on a chair while she put Napoleon make up on me for her exam, she's becoming a makeup artist. It was cool! I love green eyeshadow! And then I went to Bee's inercity apartment, I love it there! It was her 21st birthday celebration. I ate fairy bread (my favourite), chips, soft drink, snakes (lollies), freckles (chocolates with hundreds and thousands), crackers and coffee. And then she went to sleep at about 1am after we watched a Finish movie on SBS! I was so dissapointed, there was no sex scene! SBS, NOT FUCKING COOL! How dare you show a movie with no sex scene! I was counting on you for some breasts! Bunch of SBS wankers, if I wasn't so lazy I'd write you a damn letter of complaint!!!!!!!!!! So Neran, her boyfriend and I ran around the apartment picking up rubbish and the rest of the crackers and leant out her balcony window and threw things into the street, from the 24th floor. It was hilarious and afterwards we ran down and picked up some more rubbish off the street, since we'd run out of our own, and went back up and threw it all down again. We were aiming for people, cars and trying in vain to get some of it in the pool. No luck with the pool, but nevermind. And when I was leaving there this morning I pinched a packet of noodles, so I'm all set for breakfast :-)

Today, I'm going to have my first Laser Hair Removal appointment. If you can guess where I'm getting it done I'll even post and tell you if it hurt. Here's a hint, 'I like looking like a 12 year old'.

Got Rice?

2008-06-25T00:28:00.004+10:00

I want to write. I want to tell someone what is going on, but half the things are secrets and the other half I don't understand.

I keep too many secrets. I've been writing them down recently and there are a lot. Odd things, little things, big things, I never told. Although I have actually told some, along the way I would tell a person. Just one, maybe two people. Random people. People who don't have a connection to my family. Do they still count as secrets if I have told a person? Are they then shared secrets? See GUG, this is why you think I am open, because I tell things, but it is a trick. If you tell someone something that most people would want to keep a secret then they think you are being honest. And if they think you are honest then they will never think you may be hiding something else, something more important, something that will get you screamed at and hurt.

Talking of shared secrets I made a plan, it's a nice plan, it contains just the right amount of long term complications. I've told some people what it is, well, I've told them little parts of it. Just small bits, I needed some advice plus it keeps them happy, makes them think they're special to be included. But I ommitted something, several things actually, but one really important fact. A really important fact that if this plan doesn't work I could actually be screwed for, well, not life, but a seriously long time!

So here's something that you may know and that my friends and family may not know. Part of my plan included a list of importance, and on that list food came in last. It's an interesting way to lose weight, though I'm not sure I wanted to. I'm not fat but I'm not exactly a stick either. My doctor says I'm the perfect weight. Not for long though. I look in the mirror and I can see my ribs, they don't poke through but I can still see them. And my shoulder blades, I haven't seen them looking that bony since I was eleven. I've lost 4kg in two weeks. I'm a little hungry. I only had $5 left so all I could afford was some rice. Thank goodness I'm going to visit my friend Bee tomorrow night. It's her 21st and we're all going over there to get wasted! And me, I'll be thieving food from her fridge. That's not to say I'm not appreciative of rice, 1cup has lasted me three days but I'm bored. As soon as I get paid again I'm going to buy some peas and tamari (soy sauce) to make the rice more entertaining for my taste buds. And some more rice. There was only that one cup left and it's all gone now, I'm hungry.

Cheri and The BHH

2008-06-23T23:28:00.002+10:00

@Cheri: I guess things are alright, I dunno, I can't really work out if they are or not :-|

BHH! You lucky snobby nosed people who are going, TAKE SOME DAMN PICTURES! Specifically of Antipop....and Carlo, we want more of kuchu Ivan.

Penny For A Picture?

2008-06-19T17:43:00.010+10:00

My ex boyfriend in Denmark's mum had a baby a few weeks ago. I feel obliged to post some pictures! Well, one of her and some of other things, mainly because I'm feeling very homesick for Danelania! I don't know her name yet, she hasn't been Christened so she has no name officially. I think it is Julie though, born May 22nd.

I am happy to report that Aalborg Burger King, that's Hungry Jacks to the rest of my Australian horde, have the best burgers of any fast food joint I have ever been to! And you get tomato sauce in little paper cups! HEAVEN!

Danes have strange houses. Nice, but strange. And POTATOES! Oh dear god! I had enough damn potatoes to last me to kingdom come! I could have drowned in the fucking things!

WildeYearnings: Going pink like this is not something I have ever done, even though I live in what equates to a sunny oven. Though I have shaved my head before just like this boy here.

And since I'm posting photos, here's a nice Australian one.

Now! Go Get The Fuck Back To Work!

Fuel Watch

2008-06-19T15:22:00.003+10:00

I keeping hearing that Australians swear, a lot. I didn't really think this was true because I hear other people from other countries swearing too. But I've just seen a new ad on TV, it's an ad from a leading political group in Australia. Maybe we do swear more, or maybe it's just more socially acceptable because even our politicians swear, on TV, in interviews, every day.

Watch the ad, it only goes for 30 seconds, so if you click now, it should be done by lunch time.
Tell me, do your government ads swear too? Also note, we don't beep swear words on TV, the beeping on these words is done as a joke.

FUEL WATCH

Rest In Peace Little Ones

2008-06-18T21:57:00.004+10:00

Just thought I'd add that it turns out the twins, 18 month olds, were dead for 9 days in their crib before the eldest sibling, 11, noticed a bad smell coming from the room. One weighed 4kg and the other even less, they starved to death. They were a little on the decomposed side...

The mother said in court "maybe I should have fed them more". Ha! No kidding!

--

On another note I just did something rather insane. Much more insane than normal. I'm not going to tell you because you'll all think I'm an idiot, more than you already do. All I can say is I hope to fuck this works! Otherwise I am oh-so-screwed!

Neighbour 'fed siblings of dead twins'

2008-06-17T13:11:00.002+10:00

Police found the bodies of the twin boy and girl at a house in Sunnybank Hills, in Brisbane's south, around 7pm (AEST) on Monday.

Post-mortem examinations were to be carried out on the children on Tuesday.

It is understood three older siblings have been taken away by child safety workers to another residence.

A 28-year-old man and a 30-year-old woman were to appear in Brisbane Magistrates Court on Tuesday, charged with failing to provide the necessities of life.

Neighbour Nyakong Maying told AAP she had lived in the same street as the family for five years and sometimes gave food to the children in the family.

"The youngest boy (a four-year-old boy) comes over here and says `I need something to eat, I'm hungry'," Ms Maying said.

"When they came here about four months ago I give them some snacks or fruit with my children but after that I stopped it."

Ms Maying, who came to Australia from Sudan, said she never saw the parents.

"I never see the mother or the father also, I just see the kids because they come around my house," she said.

Another neighbour, Fiona Ma (Ma), said she had noticed a boy aged three or four who was allowed to run around the neighbourhood unsupervised.

"I feel confused because (the) parents are not attending to him," Ms Ma told AAP.

"He's so young and he just runs in the street."

I hope the parents go to jail! What a horrible thing to do.

Antipop

2008-06-16T14:43:00.003+10:00

Grrrrrrr. I don't like Australians, they're boring, not only that but they don't like me because I wasn't raised to be a good Australian. I don't do Australian things, mostly because I think they're just plain stupid and I don't agree with what the 'Aussies' think. Yes I know there are 'millions of aussies' but most of them piss me off and the other 'millions of aussies' are immigrants who don't piss me off. So obviously I'm going with the people who don't piss me off. Goddamn it Antipop, your comment is irritating! I didn't do it on purpose, in fact I was even reluctant to be friends with them. Perhaps I should write more about my non-Zimbabwean friends. Would you like to hear about the Italians? Danes? Lithuanians? Serbians? Welsh? English? Scottish? Irish? German? French? Saudi? Sri Lanka? Kenya? Eritrea? South African? Chinese? Japanese? Tibetan? Nepalese? Indian? Nigerian? Samoa? Maltese? Iraq? Iran? Afghanistan? Botswana? Egypt? Brazil? Korea? Sweden? Iceland? Norway? Czech? Ghana? Singapore? Thailand? Sudan? Finland? Poland? Russia? New Zealand? Islander? Palestine? So the Zimbabweans just happen to be the newest, literally only been in the country since March. Very new. You move to a new country you need friends from that country. Who else is going to be able to bail you out of jail at the crack of dawn and still be coherent enough to argue with the Police? It just so happens that out of the millions of Australians I happen to be amongst the nicest, isn't that a scary thought? I believe they call it 'approachability', so I have a lot of friends from other countries. I just happened to blog about the Zims because I'm still getting used to them. I could tell you about what I got up to last week with the Sri Lankans, but since those things were illegal I figured rice was more acceptable.

Hmph and now I've eaten all the mango flavoured tofu. I should have bought more.

And the blogroll is full of Ugandans because I was curious about Ugandans, since I waste money on one. It could have been full of Kenyans, but Kenyans scare me. And I don't want to be officially adopted. I'm happy skipping blithely from one country to another. And if I specifically sided with one country what would all my other friends do? I can't be Ugandan and Sri Lankan and Australian and Chinese and Danish all at once. I don't have enough limbs for everyone!

And one last thing. For Carlo and Antipop and Sybella and everyone else who keeps bringing this up. There is nothing going on with Rev and I. Honestly, we're just messing with you because we can and because it's fun. The only thing going on with us is that one day it occurred to us that posting at each other in other peoples comments was probably not that greatest idea. So we moved it to our respective inboxes. And there we scream, yell and rage at each other on all sorts of things. The last one was about Tibet and his stupid opinions and complete ignorance of Tibetan culture. And no, Rev is not Hunk. And no, despite what GUG may think, I won't be marrying Rev. Of all people. Oh and I know African men are lazy slobs, which is why I could never marry one. NOTHING WOULD EVER GET DONE! If we had children they'd starve to death because no one would ever feed them!

Which is why I'm going to marry a total neat freak (to clean) and who is also a chef (to feed me) and who is rich (for a nanny or boarding school) and I think this cuts out almost every single man except maybe someone from Berlin.

EDIT: Crap! I forgot the Philippines. Please, Kirsty, Caitlin, leave the pitchfork at home, I'm sorry.

31337 Infected Me

2008-06-15T20:38:00.002+10:00

I got flu and I is blaming 31337, cause you were the first person I knew that had it this flu season! You gone and infected me! Thanks :-D I scored days off work! YAY!

Today I made rice! I cooked! I cooked rice! And I didn't screw up either! Can you believe that? I actually cooked something. Something edible! I am so damn proud! :-D I MADE FOOD! Real food. Not just a sandwich. I didn't just pick bits off the shelf and out of the fridge. I actually used the stove! Now, this may not seem all that amazing to you, but to me this is a huge thing! I can't cook. I don't know how. In fact you immigrants, you 'off the boat'ers with your fancy shmancy cooking skills, you can just shut up! Most Australian children who were born here can't cook. We just don't know how. Our mothers tried to teach us but it just didn't work. I've had many many many cooking lessons with my mother, I just can't do it. But today I did.

I was with some of the Zimbabwean children and the subject of cooking came up and I was given so much shit from them because I can't cook. It wasn't fair! They picked on me hardcore and there was no other Australian child there for backup! Not only was there no other Australian, there was no other White child. Can you say minority? And when I get annoyed I tend to blush and I was thinking 'Fuck, I'm never going to live this one down'. Fucking Zims! Aint you ever heard of giving someone a break? Okay so I can't cook. I accept that. But must you tease me just because you can't blush? And quit poking my cheeks when it happens! And don't make me fucking laugh either! It'll never go away then, can't you just let me regain some composure?

I got pushed into cooking. I had to make the rice for lunch. I was scared. You Africans can be awfully menacing, you know that!?!? They all stood in the kitchen watching me and refused to help. I called my mother begging for instruction to cook rice. That Cow wouldn't stop laughing! MOTHERFUCK! But she told me and I followed them. And it worked. I cooked rice. It was amazing.

What wasn't amazing was when I got home and gave my mother a blow-by-blow account. Think boys giving a detailed account of the soccer match they just won. It was detailed. There was action replay (no I didn't cook again, not that much action, sheesh). And when I was done, actually she cut me off, she said 'That's wonderful DeTamble, now that you've done the first step I'm going to teach you lots of things to cook."

DeT: What? WHY?
Ma: Every women needs to know how to cook, it's a very important part of being a woman
DeT: WTF?
Ma: You need to know how to cook for your husband.
DeT: Wha? I thought we were talking about rice, where did the husband come from?!?! And don't call me a woman!
Ma: Well, I'm worried about you. You're about to pull your usual disappearing act and I don't think you'll be coming back again for a long time. What if you meet someone, he's going to expect that you'll know how to cook!
DeT: WHAT? What are you talking about? You're insane! I don't need to know how to cook!! And what do you mean I'm pulling my usual disappearing act? And I don't need to cook! I'll live off things that don't require cooking, like pineapples! Also Ma, I'm not stupid, I'd never date a man who can't cook. I don't want him bitching at me about him being hungry. He can go cook for himself. Lazy wanker. *mutters*

Okay, before you all start thinking I'm some spoilt brat who has always been cooked for, it's not true. In fact most days I either go hungry or I just eat things that don't require cooking. Like a carrot, or a piece of bread, or 2min noodles.

Ma: You need to know how to cook Tambles! Stop being so difficult! Forget the husband for now, but one day you're going to want to be able to impress someone with your cooking skills. And you will learn before you leave.
DeT: (feeling a little guilty but still not wanting to ever really go into a kitchen again) I'm coming back. Plenty of time to teach me then...
Ma: I doubt it. I know you. I know it was a fluke you came back last time, I doubt you'll be back for a long time.
DeT: *fidgets*
Ma: And what are you going to do about Uni? How are you supposed to study when you're not even in the country?
DeT: Off campus? I don't know! I'll talk to my Uni, maybe I'll just defer....
Ma: I don't see why you can't just be happy here like other people, why are you always so desperate to leave?

And this is why I will never learn to cook. Because every time cooking and me are mentioned together it leads to conversations that I do not want and do not know the answers to.

Trapped On The Internet

2008-06-12T21:08:00.002+10:00

I love the internet. The way you can just stumble across things. Though, this is one of the times I'd rather not have stumbled. I'd rather not have read. It was painful.

Here.

Bed Time!! Whoooooo!

2008-06-06T22:23:00.002+10:00

I am back! I am so back!! I still have some Uni stuff left but nothing pressing!

Did you all miss me?!? Huh? Huh?!? HUH?!?! You better have missed me you bunch of...of...of...erm, bunch of bed owners.

Bed owners? Well I too own a bed, though this past two months I really haven't spend much time in it. Where have I been sleeping? Well, like all good Australian teenagers I sleep pretty much anywhere!

Places I have slept since my blogging slowed:

Park Bench.
In a tree.
On a wall.
Amongst large tree roots.
Under a picnic table.
On a roof.
On a car bonnet, this was a particularly nice one. My friend and I would wake up when we were cold and turn the car on to warm us for a while.
A kitchen bench.
On a dining room table.
Couch.
Armchair.
Under a desk a Uni.
In a hallway at Uni, with my head resting on a tome entitled The Oxford History of Islam.
Curled up with some friends on a bed.
Curled up with some friends on the floor.
A bus stop.
In a blanket (what a luxury that was) beside my friends bed.

And my all time favourite in a cardboard box. Yes folks, you read that one right. In a cardboard box which some of the homeless people very kindly lent me down by the river.

Normally I wouldn't write this but I know for a fact my mother no longer pops by my blog so I think it's safe to say where I've really been when I say I've been sleeping at my friends houses.

Why have I been sleeping in these places, because, I just have and that's all you need to know.
Oh alright, it's because:
No spare $30 for a cab ride home.
Missed last bus.
Night Rider doesn't run on weekdays.
Have pulled an all nighter at Uni and was napping at about 4am under desks and in hall ways waiting for the first bus out.
And obviously on some occasions I was either too wasted or too tired to bother going home and thought it was just a better idea to sleep where I was. Hence the trees, parks and the wall.

And some one said I'd never survive more than a month in Africa, pfft fuck off! If I can happily sleep in a cardboard box I'm sure I'll be fine in Africa. Oh yes, I'm coming to a BHH before the end of the year. Do you think I can shag a boda driver? They look pretty seedy, reckon they'd be up for it?

I love my Uni!!

2008-06-04T14:54:00.002+10:00

I'm in the computer room at Uni right this second eavesdropping into a conversation between 4 Zim girls, it's the weirdest fucking convo I think I've ever heard.

They're in the early to mid 20s and they're saying they need to find a little brother to get married to. Like a 17yr old and one girl is asking another girl how old her younger brother is and how long he has been in Australia for. He's only 16, apparently that is too young though. I don't really see much difference between a 17yr old boy and a 16yr old boy...

Some girl is dating a 28yr old but she said she wants a younger boy cause they're easier (I don't understand that).

This is fucking hilarious!!

Also THIS is so damn true! Alright, so I don't know if this would really make White people love you but I do know that any guy I date should totally be up for playing stupid games like that. I love playing Tag and Hide-and-Seek. And god I haven't played Red Rover in fucking forever!! I forgot how much fun it is!!

I WANT TO PLAY RED ROVER!!!! Come play with me! It'll be fuuuuuuuuuun!!!!

Is It Over Yet?

2008-06-03T00:13:00.005+10:00

You are nosy. I heard what you were saying in the car. Tsk. Tsk.

I'm coming back soon. I promise. I sorry 31337, I know it's what I said last week but this time I'm serious. I shall be home soon! Back to irritate you all!! Or one of you could do me a favour and kill me.

I've been wishing that someone would kill me. Not anything nasty, just a nice quick death, like a gun shot to the head or a stab wound to the chest. I'm sure the pain and subsequent death would be much more enjoyable than working 11 hour days and then studying until 3am every single day for the last month. I'm so tired that it feels like there are spiders crawling under my skin sometimes. I'm so tired I failed to realise it was raining, even though I was getting soaked. I'm so tired I was standing in the massive freezer at work and I felt warm. I'm so tired I think I'm dreaming writing this. I'm sure I'm actually in a hospital bed in a coma.

Sometimes I get a spare moment to look in the mirror and it scares me. I'm ridiculously and frighteningly pale and have the blackest circles under my eyes. I look like a heroin addict and I wish I was right now.

As soon as Uni is done, my last exam is June 20th, I am going to get extremely wasted and take as many fucking drugs as I can get my naughty grasping hands on!!!!!!!!!!

So, until I come back officially, here is a picture of me I took in April, when I was happy. Yes, my room is bright orange.

Adopted

2008-05-21T18:57:00.003+10:00

That Zimbabwe boy I met at the bus stop, Tapiwa.
We went for a job interview together and we got it, we start tomorrow.
Couple of days ago at Uni I met all his friends and I feel like I just got adopted by a quarter of my city's Zimbabwean population. They're all serious studiers, so I've been holed up in the library and the computer labs with them, studying and studying and studying and playing weird math games. I have never had this much fun at Uni before! They're fucking hilarious!
I'm trying to remember all their names...
They're trying to make me remember their handshakes.
They're teaching me to swear, I can say 'Hi, how are you?', 'Fuck You!' and 'What's Up Bitch?'
Can't spell them though but I can say them and they like to spring it on me.

I'm sitting there quietly absorbed in my assignment and then I get an expectant hand shoved in front of me and a "Say it Tamble!" and so we do the fist, knuckle, palm, arm sliding, shoulder banging, finger tickling shake and I say "What's up Bitch" in Shona and they all laugh and clap.

I had dinner with them, they think it's funny that Australian kids can't cook. So they're teaching me...why do they all like chicken so much?

Right this second they're attempting to teach me gangsta slang, it isn't going to well because every time I go to open my mouth to say what they wanted me to say I just start giggling and I can't stop. I'm supposed to be saying 'poppin' right now but I just can't do it. Can't get it out past the laughing!

NAKED!! Dress Three...

2008-05-16T23:00:00.003+10:00

Oh My God! I am so EXCITED! I just found a bunch of old CDs with stuff on from my computer that broke a few years ago, it started stuffing up and I had the good sense to back up most of the things onto some CDs. Then I forgot about them and I just found them now when I was looking for Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon soundtrack...Rev got me thinking about Chinese music. Go blame him because I just found the naked pics of me!!! WHOOOO!! YEAH!!! My tits are so nice! Anyway apart from naked DeTamble I also now have a whole heap of my old favourite songs from back in highschool. *high fives self* And Everybody Hurts - REM is on one of the CDs, I can't even begin to express how much I have missed this song...

On another note I like people's disregard of mouse pads at Uni. They're all pushed to the back of desks, strange that we all seem to have this universal hatred of mouse pads.

On Monday I was sitting at the Uni bus stop waiting ever so patiently with my Green iPod and I was on the second last seat, which is positioned so that I may lean against the wall but the last seat is not in such a wonderful position and so this boy came and sat down and being tired and there being no wall he just lay down on the seat and his elbow smacked into my knee. He apologised and I graciously forgave him and anyway he lay there, his head all of six inches from my thigh and he kept glancing up at me and smiling and cause he was cute I smiled back but generally tried to ignore him. Didn't work, we got talking, his name is Tapiwa, he's three days younger than me and has just moved here from Zimbabwe. A Zim boy. They're getting quite the rep at my Uni. We got on well and we hung out on Thursday, it was hilarious I had so much fun.

I know several Afri boys but no girls, so I have a question for you Ugandan girls. Do they always like to touch your hair constantly? See no White boys are allowed to touch my hair, it's just a known rule, for every girl, well I can only speak for White girls cause they're the only ones I know but I'm sure it must be the same for all girls, even girls from Mars. Don't touch our hair, first your hands probably aren't that clean and second you're messing it up!!! The White boys know this, and they never try to touch our hair, they know they're going to get slapped if they do. The only time they're allowed to touch our hair is if we're fucking them. But the Afri boys, noooooo, they love to touch my hair. It's all 'Hi Tambs' and a milisecond later their hands are all over my hair. Get off!! I'm not Buddha, stroking my hair will not bring you luck!! And it's not just the occasional brushing it off my face or something, it's constant, their hands are just touching constantly, wrapping it around their fingers, rubbing my head, pulling my hair for fucks sake one even started plaiting it!! WHAT THE HELL! I never tell them not to, I'm always too shocked and also quite amused so I just let them be. But please, why do they do it? The White boys never do it, it's just the Black boys! WHY? WHY? WHY?

TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome, Bitch!

2008-05-16T20:55:00.006+10:00

Alright, Princess, this one is for you.

Australia's private (fee paying) and state (government) schools have always had a fear/despise relationship.

You see a group of private school kids walking down the street and they pass by one State kid and the Private kids all shut up and look away and the state kid walks through the middle of them, head held high.
State school children despise Private kids for being conditioned by their parents and their school to all be the same, to be weak little snobs. They can't even look at the State school kids, not even when they're in their groups, they can't handle anything that is different to them.
Private kids are terrified of State kids. I know, I've been to both sides and State kids think that the Private kids hate them, they think that's why the Private kids refuse to look at them but it's not true. Private kids won't acknowledge the presence of at State kid simply because they are scared of them.
It's not surprising though, the horror stories that come out of State schools, I'm sure you can imagine them...if you're having trouble, think hard drugs, alcohol abuse, sluts, violence, rape, suicides and children who are so depressed the only thing left for them is the pain as they slide the knife into their wrist.

But this wasn't what I wanted to write, I actually wanted to tell you all what happened in my first week of State school and why I was there.

I went to a Girls Private Catholic school and I was in trouble constantly. My hair was too long, I talked back to the teachers, I had my own opinions (which is why I am a blogger), I lied and forged my way out of every single PE lesson for over a year. I kissed the other girls, I flirted with my teachers, both sexes and I would walk the the kilometre to the boys school during lunch breaks and...well, you can guess :-) I even lied to the police once about a girl who disappeared, I said I knew nothing and then one day my Principal caught me in a compromising position with a boy down the side of the library and I was told that if I didn't get my act together I would be asked to leave. So instead of getting my act together I switched schools. Just like that, within the week. I chose a new school, I saw a girl in a uniform I liked and asked her which school she went to and off I went to enrol myself. So I switched, the dreaded switch, the switch you never ever make, from Private to State.

I loved it! It was like I'd come home. My third day there a Senior girl walked up to me in the bathroom, shoved me against the wall and snogged me. I was a little startled but no matter, some hot girl was kissing me and her hands were wandering ;-) Then she stepped back with her little posse "Welcome to our school, bitch," and off she went. I really liked the school, like really. It's was fucking awesome! Especially the Principal, I used to visit him every morning and I would flirt and he would give me a jelly bean. I rather miss it...

Smirks and Feels Proud

2008-05-09T00:51:00.001+10:00

This is what Ashton Kutcher thinks of Australia:

Your favourite travel experience in Australia?
Ash: I did a 13-day tour of Australia knocking off Melbourne, Sydney and hanging out in Byron Bay. It was pretty extravagant — learnt how to surf and I drank a lot of beer. I mean Australian girls can drink, I mean I've never been so impressed with a woman's ability to hold down booze in my life. I went to college with a lot of alcoholics, but let me tell ya, Australian people can really put them back and I appreciate it. I appreciate it and I actually saw the sunrise over Bondi beach one morning because it was a long night, it was actually the end of a long night it wasn't really an intentional morning thing but we went to this fence we had to climb on this cliff to watch the sunrise from the east that was pretty fabulous. That's where the sun rises, from the east.
R: How romantic.
Ash: It was romantic; I was hitting on the publicist. There was a Fox publicist in Australia and I really thought I would close the deal but she was just a stiff gal, she would not.
R: It's all business with these girls.
Ash: And that's the trick about those Australian girls because you think that their drinking so much that it's going to make things easier. It doesn't, it really doesn't make things easier you know. You really think you've got a one up but you don't.

Mountain Surfing

2008-05-08T21:29:00.015+10:00

Once upon a time, many years ago, two young children invented Mountain Surfing.

Now, Mountain Surfing is a strange and dangerous sport which DeTamble loves. I'll tell you what it is and I'll tell you how it came to be, so picture this...

DeTamble's version of Mountain Surfing, as displayed yesterday afternoon.

Dance, skip and generally bounce like a little goat up a steep mountain path. Wear your favourite blue summer dress, leave your long hair flowing down to your waist, place your green nano Apple iPod tenderly in your pocket, play Youssou N'Dour at the highest volume and hang the earphones around your neck. When you reach the summit after an hour or so, turn and laugh because the trees are so tall and so many that there is no view. It doesn't matter though, the view is not what you climbed for, the steep, dry, dusty, rocky path is what you came for. Stand, silent, survey the descent, note the larger rocks, the rising roots, the log which you will have to leap over, the sharp corner, the branch you will have to grab to prevent flying off the path. Now slide a foot forward, search for the unsettling, rolling feeling of the stones beneath your shoes, when you find it, don't fight it, let it carry you. Have you found it? Good, then run! Run slowly, the rolling stones will give you the speed, like riding a mini land slide. Whatever you do, don't stop running, or the slowed momentum will stop the stones rolling beneath your feet and you will crash into the nearest tree! It took you over an hour to reach the top but minutes to reach the bottom, you're flying, it's like skiing, but mind the rocks and don't forget to jump over that log! The gravel is flying beneath your feet, propelling you forward, don't stumble, keep the stones rolling! Then BAM! You're speeding down the side of the mountain at 5 metres a second and you come skidding out onto the path below, causing a shocked cyclist to slam on his brakes and stare at you, his mouth hanging open. You giggle at his surprised face, flick your hair over your shoulder, brush a few wattle flowers off your dress, tilt your head, give him a chirpy 'Hi' and a disarming smile and wander off. Glance back, he's still there, staring after you. Poor thing, he's never going to work out what a girl was doing up the mountain by herself or how she managed to come flying down it with such speed as to skid across the three metre path in front of him without lifting a foot. But see, that's the fun of Mountain Surfing, by the time you reach the lower half you don't need to run, you're going so fast you just need to hold out your arms for balance and occasionally jump over a large rock. Think of your shoes as the board and the rolling, sliding stones the sea, hence the name, Surfing. It's a high speed, adrenaline sport and it is stupidly dangerous but so much fun!!

I guess it's not a sport though, I mean how many people climb a mountain for the specific point of running and sliding down it? Can't be many. Or maybe there are lots of people, perhaps it's an underground sport, yet to make the proud leap into the Olympics. Do you do it? Are you as stupid as I am?

Once upon a time, many years ago, two young children invented Mountain Surfing.

These two children belonged to a larger group of children who all lived on a community farm. Some days the children would go and help their parents in the fields or they would be sent off to walk the six kilometres to the letter box and some days they were just allowed to play. Now, one day these children decided that it was time to climb the mountain that towered above the western side of the property. They'd heard tell that there was a waterfall up there but no one they knew had actually seen it, so they decided to find it. They set off early in the day, after filling up on an extra big breakfast since they knew they'd not be home for lunch. They left the farm house, clomped across the narrow wooden bridge, skipped past their caravans, raced up the hill, dodging the cow pats and thistles and started up the side of the mountain. After a while they found a goat path and followed that, up and up they went, for hours. The path they were using started to fade but they were still no where near the top. They stopped and flopped down into the cool grass, no one spoke, they were happy just listening to the whip birds and the blue seeking bower birds. Suddenly David sat up, "Water! I can hear water", he cried. The children sprang to their feet. "Where? Where?' they chorused. David set off at a run and his friends sprinted after him, crashing through the undergrowth, ducking branches, leaping over fallen trees. They burst through the trees and came to sudden halting stop feet away from the edge of a cliff! David crept to the edge of the cliff and stared down and there, only six metres below was a beautiful, crystal clear pool and a water fall was spilling over the edge of the very cliff they stood upon. Bradley and Michael were sent down to see how deep the water was below the falls, to see if there were any rocks. Their voices echoed the all clear up the side of the mountain and Tom, being the most reckless, slipped into the fall and went flying over the edge in a spray of white water! The rest of the day was spent in a giddy, water logged happiness. And then it was time to go home, the sun was low and they had three hours of path to traipse down. They all raced up the rocks to the waterfall for one last flying decent but they were careless and the rocks were slippery and one of them fell. Little Galaxy* slipped and fell onto a rock, he landed on his back but his head had slipped below the water. There was a stunned silence, even the water seemed to have stopped flowing and then everyone moved. The girl at the top leapt off the side of the cliff and swam towards the younger boy, trying to push his head out of the water. The older boys stopped climbing and slid down over the rocks, racing into the water to pull his limp body off the rock. Galaxy's eyes flickered open and he began to cry. Blood was pouring from his head and the bruises were already appearing on his small body. A hurried plan was made, the older boys would carry him to the top and between them and the other children they'd carry Galaxy home but they didn't know how hurt he was or how long it would take them and the sun was getting lower and lower. So the two fastest children were told to run home and find the adults! A boy, Liam and the girl who had held Galaxy's head above the water scurried up the cliff and ran. The path was steep and there were many small rocks, making them slide, losing their balance and grab for the nearest branch. After a while of trying to run, overbalancing and gashing their knees it occurred to them that they shouldn't fight with the sliding, rolling, tumbling rocks and so Mountain Surfing was born. It hurt, they wore no shoes and the rocks cut into their feet but they made it to the foot of the mountain so fast they had to stop and stare back up at it to make sure they really had reached the bottom. They looked at each other for a moment, surprised and then they began to run again. The sun was twinkling through the top of the trees, the light would be gone soon, so they cut through the back field, running through the thistles and stinging nettles, brushing away tears with dirty hands. Reaching the barbed wire fence they flung themselves under it, grazing their faces and then they split. The boy ran towards the farm house and the girl sprinted into the fields screaming out for a parent. Torches were grabbed and the fathers ran off towards the mountain. The two children wanted to go back to show them the way but the mothers took one look at them and forbade them to leave the house, since they were both covered in blood from the hundreds of cuts that etched their skin. Hours later they came back and the doctor was waiting for Galaxy, nothing too serious, a broken wrist, concussion and severe bruising to his torso but he'd be fine.

The children were forbidden to ever go back up the mountain and they obeyed...for about a month. Except the next time they went up it wasn't for the waterfall, it was to teach the other children to Mountain Surf, but this time, they took shoes.

--

*Galaxy is his real name. What can I say, our parents were hippies. Galaxy, Tripty and DeTamble...the rest of the children were blessed with more normal names.

Goodmorning Sunshine!!!!!!! The Earth Says Hello!!!

2008-05-07T15:39:00.002+10:00

DeTamble is back.

DeTamble is good.

DeTamble is highly amused.

DeTamble is laughing at Comrade as he hurls himself off a cliff!

To Hunk

2008-05-07T00:13:00.002+10:00

I'm not going to Uni tomorrow, I can't face it, I'm too depressed.
I feel like I'm dying, this is the worst time ever. I feel like fuck :'(
I think I should run for the hills, away from my own thoughts. Thinking things like this, and especially feeling like this is something I go out of my way to avoid. I feel broken around you. You waltzed into my life, skipped over the threshold, ignored the razor wire, armed guards and ferocious and ill-tempered guard geese, plonked yourself down on my bed, stretched out and started reading my most precious book and I'm left standing in the middle of the room
staring at you and wondering how the fuck you got in and why the fuck you're lying on my damn bed looking like a God?!?!

Who the hell are you?!?!

Ash Angel

2008-05-05T22:45:00.003+10:00

I feel lost today. I woke up confused, the Weather is fucking with my mind. I even heard a rooster crowing for the first time since I was a small child living in the middle-of-no-where-Australia.

Ginger came over this afternoon, she said she is quitting work, I understand why, the place we work is horrible. The only reason I stay is because it's hard for children to find jobs here that will allow you the flexible hours to study. Ginger doesn't study, she lives at home, has every need catered for and pays nothing. I envy her, I dream of quitting but then the sharp reality that I would be left standing in line at a homeless shelter, hoping that tonight, maybe there will be room for me. Some days I wish that someone would come in with a gun and just shoot me so I never have to go back to that place.

The thought of her leaving me alone in that place is depressive. Amby left last month. Bee is still there but we aren't allowed to speak to each other any more because the new boss is a psycho.
And Tom, he has become a know-it-all workaholic who has sold his soul to 'the company' and it disgusts me and in turn he despises Ginger and I for daring to dislike and disregard 'the company'.

After she left I went for a walk, the smoke is gone and I'm missing it intensely. I don't know why though, it seems stupid to miss. Normally I walk along the main road but today I turned left and went straight into the bush. I don't know where I went exactly, I walked for hours, mainly through overgrown spiky grass and dried, broken branches. My legs are covered in scratches and my feet were black with soot. I found where the fire had been, I felt like making an ash angel but that would have been silly. Instead I went down to the dried creek bed and dug a hole in the gravel until a long black snake came by and I vacated. I climbed a tree instead and swung upside down from a branch until I got bored and wandered along the storm water pipe for a kilometre. Eventually I found a house that bordered the creek and crept through their back yard and back onto a street. I don't know why I went exploring, it just made me feel worse, lonely and wondering what happened to all those children I used to play with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved so often as a kid, I am 19 and I have lived in 18 different houses and one of those houses I lived in for four years. We moved so often I was rarely enrolled in a school and spent most of my time playing alone by whichever creek was nearest to my house.

I'm feeling dead today and it certainly wasn't helped by your email. You there, with the glasses and short hair, you know who you are. Revenge, don't do it. I'll never forgive you and I will never speak to you again, though maybe you would like the no speaking part and if so, just say and I will be out. Gone. Like I never existed.

Rise My Sun

2008-05-02T04:54:00.004+10:00

It is almost 5am and I am still awake. I am swamped in neglected study. I have been awake all night fighting with an assignment. I have an exam in 5 hours time and I'm not really prepared for it. This past month I have fallen seriously behind with my studies, I'm even a little ashamed by how long I have been neglecting them. Let's all blame Hunk :-D In fact I was hoping to catch up with Him tonight but circumstances didn't work out. I spent a good hour feeling sorry for myself but I guess it was for the best, since I know if He was around I would have got no work done at all. Not that I've got much done anyway.

Here, everything smells of smoke. Brisbane is surrounded on three sides by mountains and almost all of them are on fire. The city is covered in a light rust haze, everything and everyone smells of wood smoke and burning eucalyptus leaves. The fires this year are safe, almost unnoticeable, if it wasn't for the red smoke drifting across everything and the scent, this is what Australia smells like, burning trees. Some years are very bad, once my school was evacuated because the smoke was so thick you couldn't see more than 10 metres in front of you. School was cancelled the next day and I stood in my backyard and watched the ash fall like snow. The smoke lasted a month, I forgot what it was like to breathe fresh air. My school jumper still smells of that summer. I've washed it over and over but the smoke just won't leave it.

I'm hoping the sun will rise soon since it's very cold and I can no longer feel my fingers, I want to go stand underneath it and steal the warmth. Until then I'm just going to have to entertain myself by watching the smoke whirl underneath the street lights and maybe think about possibly traipsing back to that horrible assignment...maybe.

Edit: Exam is done and assignment is handed in, so you can all stop giving me shit now! :-)
Oh and walking to the bus stop this morning, that was not fun. Within the hour and half from posting this to leaving the house the smoke had gone wild! I couldn't even see the bottom of the hill and when I finally got down there it was just thick with brown smoke. It was horrible. My eyes were watering, my throat stung and I thought I was going to suffocate and/or choke to death. Nasty. It was pretty bad at Uni too, the fire alarm went off and the buildings were evacuated. I was really worried I wasn't going to be able to get back in and finish my assignment, but I snuck away from the security men and slipped in the side door :-)

Where Are You?

2008-05-01T22:59:00.002+10:00

This is for Ugandan Fan! You swung by mine a while ago. Where are you? Come back!!

For everyone else, Hunk, it's in the end comments on the post below this one. See, scroll down to the previous post. Click on comments. Scroll down. That's all you are getting. Don't get too excited. It's nothing like what you want.

Ginger and the Wolf II

2008-04-30T21:50:00.006+10:00

Last, last Saturday Ginger called me, she wanted to go out. So off we went. I said I wanted to be home by 9pm, since I had to go to work early the next day and I was already extremely sleep deprived. I was home by nine. I was just about to go to bed and then Ginger calls me again. Before I go any further I would just like to clear up something: Wolf, is pretty much out of the picture, Young Wolf is in and from now on when I write Wolf I mean Young Wolf.

Gin - "Tambles!! HELP!! Wolf just called me and he's back from Tasmania and he's got a night before he goes to Sydney and he wants me to meet him at Uber! You have to come with me! I'm too nervous to go by myself!!! PLEASE!!!"

DeT - "Go out? Now?!?! But! It's already 11pm!! I was about to go to sleep!!!"

Gin - "Plllllleeeeeeaaaaaassssseee! I'll have you home by 1am! I PROMISE!!"

DeT - "Fine. 1am. Latest."

And so out we went again. To Uber, a club I hate! And we were there for an hour looking for Wolf. We couldn't contact him because Ginger's phone suddenly broke and he just wasn't texting back when we used my phone. In the end she gave up and we went home. Turns out he didn't show because he fell asleep. He said all his friends were really annoyed and when he woke up he had 47 missed calls. 47 calls in less than 8 hours... Dude is popular :-D

They met up for their first date last Wednesday. They didn't have sex. Though they did end up lying completely naked on his bed and apparently he is rather well endowed ;-)

She went over to his house again on Sunday night and yes, they shagged! So she did last until the 2nd date after all...

He's very nice she says. And rich. And gets sent around Australia for work. He's in Sydney right now. He hasn't had girlfriend in two years. He likes to go rock climbing and he lost his licence on Monday for drink driving. She tried to tell him that she is only 19, but she chickened out and said 20.

He used to be a drug lord...mainly cocaine....

Death Is Waiting For Me

2008-04-27T18:13:00.007+10:00

Hunk is sick and I feel sad. Worried even, though I'm not too sure what worry feels like. It's not something I've come across before and if this is what worry feels like, it sucks!

I talked to Him last night right before I went to bed and he really didn't sound good, even though he said he was going to be fine. I do believe him, I know he's going to be fine, it's not like he's at Death's door and yet I lay awake for ages thinking about him and when I finally slept I had terrible nightmares and woke up crying.
What's wrong with me? Usually when someone gets sick, my family, my friends, my boyfriends, I just shrug and go "yeah, that's nice, call me when you're better" and completely forget about it. Except this one time, He tells me he is a little sick and I turn into a useless mess. I've been so distracted I even showed up for work an hour early (GUG), I got a massive paper cut on my thumb and didn't realise until the blood started trickling along my hand and the entire day was tinged with a strange sadness and I was so unbelievably distracted!! Hardly a second went by when I wasn't thinking of him.

After my third screw up this morning my best friend Bee, who also happens to be one of my bosses turned to me and asked what the hell was wrong with me today. I told her He was sick and she stared at me incredulously "Wow, my little Tambling, you actually care about this boy. I've never seen you care about anyone, ever."

I hung my head. She's right, I've never ever ever ever cared about anyone else. Not once.

She grabbed my hand and I looked up at her and she smiled back at me, "You've really fallen hard, haven't you?"
I groaned and dropped my head onto the counter. Hard? That barely begins to describe it. I feel like I've been hit by a speeding bus, by a bullet train, by a comet with a millennia of force behind it! Every time I see him I gasp. There is never enough oxygen, my heart beats like it's about to explode within my ribs and I start to feel dizzy.

I'm never going to survive this. Look how I feel when he's a little bit sick. Imagine how I'm going to feel when we break up. Bee says I should cut and run now while I've still got a some sense left but I can't. I've fallen too hard, I don't know how to get up again.

Slackers!

2008-04-25T19:55:00.003+10:00

Where oh where have the Blogren gone? It's already midday and there are no UBHH posts up? What's wrong with you all? Gah! I hope you all have massive hang overs and are suffering from head splitting headaches and severe nausea!

Trust

2008-04-22T23:49:00.002+10:00

Maisha iko sawa na Trust.

A few years ago I saw a Trust condom ad and it blew my mind. Awesome! Sexy! Practically Orgasmic! Who ever thought up those ads, I'll give you the life of my firstborn.

I've seen a lot of sexually related things and I have to say that the Trust ads are my favourite!
Even though that Gothic picture book my friend Bee bought recently is excellent, it still will never replace Trust as my favourite thing.

The first Trust ad I saw was the Umbrella one. Can I just say, wow! It's so, and on the umbrella, and oh my god, so, so long...hmm mmm *giggles* Anyway...moving along. I saw the ad, it was sent my way by a forward email and I've been trying to find it again for a while. I had given up though, since I couldn't remember much about it and if you type condom ad into YouTube, well even I baulk at 1,820 results. Today, the song on the ad was playing on the radio and I got the lyrics, found the song and found the ad! :-D Ohhhhhh I am HAPPY! Not only have I got the ad but I found another two!!! If you don't suffer from 3rd World internet I suggest you go watch them! Even if you've seen them before, because I'm watching them for, oh, say the 123rd time and it's still, ya know ;-)

Umbrella.
Water bottle.
Boat.

I want to try Trust now. I don't know if they're any good but with an ad like that, I am SO there!! Can't get them in Australia. You can get them in Africa though, and I have always wanted to shag my way around the world. So, here's to saving some money and getting some Trust.

Good thing I'm turning 20 soon though. I was worried I'd run out of counting room on my fingers before 20 and frankly, that would look slutty :P

The Dalai Lama

2008-04-21T19:08:00.000+10:00

Translink

2008-04-16T14:37:00.001+10:00

Catching an outbound morning service Translink bus is by far the most entertaining time to travel by bus in Brisbane. Generally, in the early mornings an outbound bus it populated only by school children. Sleepy school children. Their uniforms freshly ironed, their hair often still unbrushed, their yawning faces puffy from sleep. The bus driver, taking full advantage of the sleepy, indifferent and often sulky cohort of children with no interfering, council complaining adults, goes on a mild power trip.

The usual rules a bus driver seems to adhere to on any other bus trip just disappear. After many years of catching Translink buses I have come to understand that the outbound morning service drivers are like no other. Gone are the quiet, civilized bus rides you can usually expect at any other time of day. In their place reside the species of the ‘school run’ driver. They live to speed! They come screeching to a halt in a cloud of smoking rubber. They run red lights. They laugh and tease you when you get on board, ‘Another day of prison?’ they leer, as you stare confusedly at them through bleary eyes. They play music at an ear pounding level, everything from Rammstein to opera and they sing along, loudly! They play games on their mobiles while they wait for a light to go green. They turn around in their seats and swear down at us and ask the closest students if they’re failing anything. And at a stunning speed the bus comes to a bone jarring, curb bumping halt and you tumble out, wide awake, ready for another day of ‘prison’ and secretly amazed you’re still alive.

These drivers are unique and are responsible with supplying schools with alert and adrenaline rushed children and sadly they’re only available on the outbound morning service. Any other time and they are the same sedate and rule abiding drivers of the day.

Ginger and the Wolf

2008-04-14T18:05:00.004+10:00

Right you pushy lot!! Here's what happened:

NOTHING! Except some woman told me I was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen.
And as we walked away my friend said she only thinks that because of the way you look, if she knew you she'd never have said that. Why? Because according to my friend I could quite happily slit someone's throat and that makes me scary and evil, even though I do look gorgeous.

I'm afraid, Antipop, that there are no juicy details and the reason for this is because of what took place a few weeks before.

Ginger is 19 and has liked her boss, Wolf (37) for about eight months. A few times Wolf has driven her home and they've had a bit of a kiss but nothing impressive since he is actually unavailable. He also left work recently and so we all told Ginger that she had to find a new man to perve on. Of course she didn't listen to us and just as we had given up hope of ever distracting her with a new man, she finds one! We were out, dressed up nicely and watching Flamingo Crash playing at QPAC. Cheri, this is another band I know, I went to school with the drummer and dated one of it's former members, which is why I was there, being social. Ginger, Bee and I, sitting at a table, casually looking around and then Ginger spots him! He's tall and thin and has light brown hair, he almost looks like a young Wolf, except one crucial difference, he's only 33! The night wears on and we urge her (mainly me) to give him her number. She's a little chicken though and doesn't. Eventually I get so fed up I go outside and try to find a small amount of sanity by dialling my friend, his number has that annoying lady going 'this number is unavailable, please call again later'. I tried it again and got the same thing so I sat on the grass and listened to the accented lady until it cut out. Went back inside and finally, FINALLY Ginger worked up the courage to slip him her number. On a Chanel Allure perfume card, lucky him. She said text me, he said he would and smiled. And he did. They've been texting constantly for the past week and a half. This is why nothing of note happened on Friday, because she thought that she liked this new 'Young Wolf' better. Until about midnight on Friday when she texted me to say that she loved Wolf and was definitely going to drive over to his new work to see him and she was sad because she hadn't done anything with him because she was confused by the 'Young Wolf'. Though Wolf did kiss her and cuddle her as he was saying goodbye...

Now, Young Wolf. Ginger was supposed to see him early last week except she got blind drunk and threw up and had to leave the club before he got there. Idiot girl!! Then they were supposed to meet up on Saturday, but he didn't text back with the details so instead she came over here to watch Coupling with me and bitch. Turns out he was rock climbing until late. They're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow night, I hope they manage it!! She's also lied about her age, she's now 23, not 19. I wonder how that lie is going to go...

Gin - I'm not going to fuck him until the second date.
DeT - I wouldn't even wait for the first date to be over.
Gin - That's slutty.
DeT - Slutty? Well it wasn't me who shagged my friends boyfriend in a paddock.
Gin - That was one time!! And I want to get to know this guy, what if he turns out to be a total sleaze?
DeT - So maybe you should sleep with him and see, you know, road test.
Gin - Shut up DeTamble!
DeT - *smirks*

She may not be 'slutty' but she's not exactly shy about her body. The night we were watching Flamingo Crash and she gave him her number and I got that annoying 'phone is unavailable' message she got practically naked in public.

Streets Beach at Southbank, a very popular man-made beach, located in the 'Cultural' area of the City. We were walking back to the car after the band and there were some Poms swimming and we stopped to stare for a moment and they called us over and asked if we wanted some wine and if we'd go swimming with them. Of course we wanted wine! What a stupid question! And as if we wouldn't go swimming! We had no clothes for swimming though, not that it was ever going to be a problem. Dropped our bags, jackets, shoes, earrings and necklaces onto the sand and bomb dived! It was colder then I expected!! Had a great time until Ginger got too cold and asked me if we could go home. So out we got, gathered up our pile of dumped items and jumped back down onto the river board walk (I estimated our pile of stuff we just left by itself was easily worth over AUD$3000 and I'm not even counting the clothes we were wearing into the water). We were cold! Soaked, dripping water everywhere! I think our jeans must have taken half the water with them. So cold we stopped in the middle of the path, dropped our things and pulled our shirts and bras off. Don't worry, it was night time and it wasn't particularly crowded. Only six people saw our half nakedness as we struggled to pull dry jackets over wet skin. Some guy walked past and gave us the thumbs up and whistled. When we got to the car Ginger pulled all of her clothes off! Yep, butt-naked and standing next to her car (the street was pretty deserted), didn't even try to hide when a car drove past. Even I'm not that game. So I'm curious, if she's that open, is she going to make it to the second date with no sex?

Obligations

2008-04-11T16:11:00.003+10:00

I hate being obliged to do anything, such as now, where I'm going to a dinner party thingy. It's for our boss who has left us to go to another store. Can I just say that I do not fucking want to go and in actual fact I'd rather sit here on the computer till three am, yet again, reading about the history of Islam. Under normal circumstances I would have said NO because I'm an anti-social little cow, but this time I said yes, because if I don't go I run the very real risk of being beaten up by my friend! My friend, who is the only reason I'm going, is in love with the boss. She's 19 and he's 37. That's really not the point though, the main thing is he has a girlfriend who he's been with for a whole DECADE!!! 10 YEARS!!!! And she's FAT! and UGLY! and FUCKING FAAAAAAT! And a bitch! Last time my friend and I went out to a concert and they were there and we were ignoring them because it would be awkward if we went and said hi and she was evil eyeing us from like 40 meters away. Her and all her fat ugly friends were staring us down and we weren't doing anything! SHE TOTALLY HATES US! Mainly hates my friend but still I'm included because I'm my friends backup. Which is why I am going tonight, because my friend wants to tell our ex-boss that she wants to fuck him. And I have to go to hold her hand for courage.

I reckon she's going to chicken out and not tell him though and I'll have gone and it'll have been a waste of time. But because, surprisingly, I'm actually a good friend I will go and I wont berate her when she chickens out...so long as she does it by 9:30 because I promised someone else I would go and watch his band play.

Why do I bother having friends? They always want me to do things and I just want to stay home and study!

TAGNATION!

2008-04-10T00:28:00.009+10:00

Got myself tagged by the Beauty.

So here goes…

FOUR JOBS I HAVE WORKED

1. Paper Delivery

2. Pizza kid at Domino's

3. Laser Babe

4. Checkout Chick, same as Laser Babe but different company, different name.

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. The Secret Garden

2. My Family and Other Animals

3. I Capture The Castle

4. Bend It Like Beckham

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED (COUNTRIES)

1. Australia

2. USA

3. Canada

4. Denmark

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE

1. Coupling

2. My Family

3. The Good Life

4. The Chaser's War On Everything

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION

1. Fingal Beach - Australia

2. Adelaide - Australia

3. Yellow Stone - USA

4. Italy

FOUR OF MY FAVOURITE FOODS.

1. Noodles

2. Juice

3. Sushi

4. Milkshake with Pearl (Bubble Tea)

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE NOW

1. In Bed with Him

2. On the floor with Him

3. Against a tree with Him

4. Arguing with Him

SOME BLOGGERS TO TAG

Antipop

Dom

GUG

Comrade

Peace

The Art Teacher

2008-04-08T23:08:00.000+10:00

My Dad is dead, or so they say. I haven’t seen him in many days. He use to be here but now he’s gone, where to, I do not know. He signed my passport application when I was three and then he walked away and I’ve never seen him since. Is he dead or has he just left? I’ve wasted many days wondering where he is. The older I got the more I thought of him, but now, after so many years I don’t think I care. I don’t care where he is and I don’t care who he is and yet whenever I hear him mentioned I always stop to listen.

They say I look just like him, they say I speak the same, they say I draw like him. I don’t know, I can’t remember him. I don’t know what he looks like or how he sounds and I’ve never seen his drawings. I use to ask about him, I wanted to see him in my mind, but I could never get the image quite right. I don’t even know his real name. I do know his adopted name. I tried to find him once, but Missing Persons said there were no recent records of him, not even a tax return.

My Mum always said he wanted to go ‘underground’, I guess he managed it. His friends think he is dead, except one of them, who says he saw him walking through Rundle Mall last week. I know I don’t care anymore though, even if I do stop to listen to them speak.

Blog Is Becoming A Burns Ward

2008-04-07T21:11:00.003+10:00

UPDATE: I'm fine now, it's faded away, though it still stings to touch.

--

I got burnt. Something acidic came into contact with my cheek. No fear though, it isn't bad, it just stings like crazy! I spent a while discussing with my friends what it could be and what I should do. Our conclusions were thus:

I touched something at work and brushed my face without realising or I got bitten by some strange acid bug. Personally I think it was something at work. Whatever it was it's stopped burning into my skin now and is looking much better, even though it still stings badly :-(

What should I do? Should I just keep it extra clean and apply every single cream I own or should I go to the Doctors? What if I've caught some flesh eating virus? Well, the friend who mentioned the flesh eating virus was stared down and told not to speak again.

She didn't shut up though and the conversation was brought to an abrupt halt after her next comment.

"Maybe you should put some cum on your face, I've heard it's really good for skin."

I've also heard that this is true and apparently you can pay a months wage to buy anti-ageing skin cream that contains semen, which were all probably supplied by seamen.

I almost laughed at her, but she did have a point. Cum is the way to go for all things skin related. So, Comrade, you're quite seedy. Care to spare?

Watch Out: The Road Burns!

2008-04-05T16:49:00.006+10:00

I don't know quite what to write, all I can think of is the searing pain in my finger. Never mind what I did to it, just suffice to say that it is bleeding, don't worry though, I can't see the bone this time. My job is affectionately known as slaving, because we are paid an absolute pittance to stand for long hours lifting heavy items, being yelled at by ignorant customers who can't read price tags and having our hands torn apart and from time to time our legs and feet cut and covered by glass shards. Comrade, if you dare mention anything about Capitalism the West or the fact that I don't really work hard I'm going to stab you in the eye with my bleeding finger! I know I have it loads better then most of the world but if you comment anything nasty about this post I'll have you dragged in front of the other Revolutionaries for a formal hand comparison and let me tell you right now I wont be the one with the sweet, soft hands of a bourgeois.

I stared at the line of disgruntled customers, I couldn't close my register without getting into a lot of trouble. So I groped under the register for the piece of duct tape I knew was stuck there, wiped most of the blood onto my skirt and stuck my skin back together with the tape. I know, it's not the most intelligent thing to do but I was desperate and it worked okay, I stopped dripping blood and I didn't have to stop working. I'm glad the customers didn't notice, they were talking and I covered it up quick. It's bad enough I had to see it, I don't think they needed to see too. I pulled an emo and swung my hair in front of my face so that no one could see the tears. I'm not too sure how to get the duct tape off now without ripping my finger open again. Maybe I'll just leave it on until it stops being sticky and slides off by itself.

I tried to distract myself from the pain by thinking of something else, didn't really work though since all I could think of was other times I'd been hurt. Like the time I got hit by a car. Don't worry though, it wasn't bad. I didn't break anything and I didn't get flung across the road and I also didn't tell anyone. So Mum, I know you read my blog from time to time and so if you're reading this post, let me assure that this entire next section is a total lie and I was never hit by a car and it certainly wasn't on my bike and I definitely didn't hide it from you or lie about it. In fact I've never lied to you about anything I've done...and since we both know that isn't true I suggest that you should stop reading, NOW!

The roads here get very hot during summer, hot enough to fry an egg. I know, because I've tried. I also know that they get hot enough to make your feet blister if you spend more then a couple of seconds standing on them. I never used to wear shoes and so every time I had to cross a road I would race across it and bound onto the grass on the other side and jump up and down to try to cool them. I found that if I had to cross too many roads in a day I would have burnt my feet enough to blister them. So when I used to get home in the evening and I would sometimes crawl around the floor it wasn't because at ten I still wanted to be a dog, it was because my feet were burnt. Because of the heat of the road I was always terrified of getting hit by a car. Actually, I was only terrified of getting hit by a car in summer. Any other time of year and I wouldn't have cared so much. I was scared that I would be so badly burned by the road if I was lying on it that the burns would be worse than anything the car could do.

I was partially right. One day I was riding my bike down the hill and a car came speeding out of a drive way. Neither of us saw each other until it was too late. We crashed into each other and the bike and I went flying over the boot of the car. The bike landed on a fence and I landed on the road. The car was fine. My shirt had been pulled up and I was lying on my side, bare skin on the road. I can't have been there for long because by the time the pain hit me the driver had only just opened his door. I was burning, on the road! I'm telling you I've never moved so fast in my life! The second I realised that the pain wasn't related to my cuts but was actually because I was being burnt I was up and off the ground! The poor driver, he was so shocked, me though, I was more worried about the road. The burning was worse then the ripped skin, the gravel or the blood. Poor driver was staring at me hopelessly and I was staring at my side, I hadn't even noticed my cuts, it was the burn I was worried about.

Long story short I insisted I was okay and asked him to lift my bike of the fence so I could ride home. He offered to drive me home but I needed time to think. My mother would have freaked out!!! There was no way in hell I was going to tell her what had happened, she'd never let me ride my bike again! Or leave the house. Took a long time to get home. The bike was pretty much fine, pedal was a little bent but I was shaking too badly to ride it so I walked it. I was a very sneaky child. If you're an only child and you do as many stupid things as I did you get used to hiding things from you parents. It's not like you can blame something on your sibling and there's no back up child in case you die. I didn't want them to worry and I didn't want to be banned from doing things. So I would hide most of my scratches under clothes and just not mention anything.

This time was hard though, I'd never been hurt like this before. I got home and snuck around the side of the house. Left the bike and my dented helmet where they couldn't be seen and tiptoed up the back stairs. The aim was to get to the bathroom, take the tweezers, tea tree oil and band aides to my room without Mum realising I was in the house. I had to hide behind a door for a while, waiting for her to leave a room so I could get to my bedroom with the stuff.
I stripped off my clothes and wiped up the blood, picked out some gravel, bathed every cut with diluted tea tree. I won't describe the way I looked, just know that there was a lot of blood and the skin was hanging off in places. Then out came my emergency clothes, I was well prepared for situations like this, though this was by far and away the worst. For arm cuts I had a thread bare jumper and for leg cuts, an old pair of shorts which were a little longer then any of my other ones and covered my knees. I put a few band aides on my leg and on my fingers and one on my cheek. Every thing else was covered by clothes and this way I could say I fell off my bike and the damage didn't look too bad.

It was only my right side that was hurt so I tried to keep that part of my body turned away from her as much as possible for the next few days. I didn't change my clothes either because I didn't have anything else that would cover as well. It was hard to keep it up though, every time she would touch me I wanted to cry. My sweater rubbed against the burn, it was bad, it was bright red and it blistered very painfully. I went through an entire container of paw paw cream trying to keep it from scarring. I developed an addiction to children's Panadol too, I drank the entire bottle within two days and then pretended to have a bad headache so she would go and buy some more. I completely got away with it and was back riding within a few days, she didn't find out, she didn't yell and I didn't get into trouble for doing something as stupid as getting hit by a car. And I found out I was right to be scared of the road. Sometimes I thought I should have told her but she would have been so angry and she wouldn't have been as careful cleaning my cuts as I was and I know I would have been banned from leaving the house for a long, long time and definitely no bike. And it was good practise for when I had to hide the bruises from falling out of the tree six months later. I think I actually broke a rib that time... didn't tell her about that either, not that it would have mattered. Not much you can do for ribs and I tied myself up pretty well and anyway, I hated sitting in the hospital emergency room. Soooo boring!!

The British Commonwealth

2008-03-28T15:21:00.000+10:00

CHOGM: Sounds Like Someone Clearing Their Throat.

Welcome Home My Bed

2008-03-27T11:18:00.005+10:00

Take a moment of your day and read this!

My boyfriend of a year and a half is moving out. I am elated. The BED, soon, it will be all mine! Mine to stretch out on, mine to sleep diagonally on, mine to roll around on and get tangled in the covers on a hot night. MINE, ALL MINE! His stuff will be gone, all his clothes and his guitar and his mess will be out! No one there to ask me at 5am why I'm so late coming to bed.

Where was I at 5am? No where bad, just here chatting with my friends. At 5AM?! Yes, at 5am. They be in another time zone, so no, my Australian friends and I don't all stay up till 5am to chat to each other. Why would I want to chat to them that early, like I don't spend enough time spooning them as we all crowd into the same bed when we're wasted or drugged. I'm on more then intimate terms with them, don't really feel the need to chat online as well.

It's official though, my boyfriend and I are breaking up. Ahh, the sweet sound of a relationship cracking. No hard feelings, we both knew it was coming. Surprised we lasted this long. Not that it wasn't helped by the fact that I have the most horrendous crush on someone else. Shhh though, don't tell my boyfriend that. It's my secret, well, it was, now though, it is a blog secret.

I think the people around us are going to take our breakup worse then we are. They think we're the cutest couple ever. We've been officially voted the best couple by our work colleagues. And they are right, we are good together, we're great together but there is something missing.

The raw passionate love, the lust, the fire, the anger, the pleasure! Heated explosive emotions, that's what I need!

He can't muster them, no matter though, because I know someone who can and he will be mine soon. And I'm going to shag him till he can no longer see, can no longer walk, can no longer breathe.

Just have to wait for my boyfriend to leave.

The Big Day

2008-03-26T20:19:00.005+10:00

Den Store Dag! I love this movie! I got it when I was in Denmark, it's corny and so lovely. I rarely watch it though. It sits on the shelf, next to Doctor Who, Coupling, My Family, Kundun and Round The Twist. Then the longing hits. I miss Denmark, I don't know why, it wasn't that amazing and yet I miss it all the same. I can't pin exactly what it is I miss, but it's something, something which makes me sad knowing I don't have it. Confusing thing. Maybe it's the language, or the brisk air against my face. Either way, I miss it and so I cuddle up on the couch and watch Den Store Dag or The Julekalender or Rejseholdet or I call my ex just to hear him speak for a while. Gah, I'm so hopeless sometimes.

Hansi, even though du har de største tænder og det grimmeste tøj, you're still my favourite!

Three Funeral Sausages

2008-03-26T15:43:00.003+10:00

Home made flotation device – $3.50
Hosting the death BBQ in your pool – priceless.

Perfect Day

2008-03-22T17:37:00.003+10:00

I tend to be reasonably happy. In fact the past few days have been a blur with happiness and I've suffered from an insatiable need to smile. I crashed though, suddenly, in a split second and now I feel dead. I just want to bow my head and let tear drops fall onto the keyboard. I wont though. I'll watch the ghost gum leaves shudder in the wind and try to drag myself back.

Double Digits, Again.

2008-03-21T14:01:00.004+10:00

I'm watching my youngest cousin on the webcam. She says she can't believe I am turning 20 this year. I say I can't believe she is already 11. Time is moving too fast, I wish it would slow down.
She talks to me quite a lot, apparently I'm her favourite. Not that I need her to tell me that, since obviously I'm her favourite. As if DeTamble isn't everyone's favourite cousin. Not that I ever see them. Maybe that's why I'm the favourite because I can't tarnish my image with too much familiarity. My family has scattered itself across the continent and we ignore each other. Don't even send Christmas cards. We are antisocial. We're still here though, if one of us needs something. We're backup. The hidden troops.

I still can't believe that 11 years has gone so quickly, I still remember looking down at her and thinking what big heads babies have. Now my littlest cousin is becoming a beautiful young woman. We'll be beating the boys off with a large stick. Quick Daddy, grab your gun, they're back AGAIN!

--

EDIT: Now she just told me it was me who explained what wanking was to her. Oh fuck. WHY did I tell her what it meant?

Time and Ice

2008-03-19T21:59:00.005+10:00

There were two boys. They were both breathtakingly beautiful. They were both tall and thin and toned. With the handsome square shoulders some men are blessed with. One I served at work and I tried my hardest not to blush when he smiled at me. The second was on the bus home and as he stared at the world streaming past the window I stared at him.

He was so dark, the rest of the world paled into nothingness in comparison. So dark, so bold, so present. So present I was sure nothing had ever existed before him and that nothing could exist after him. So present he looked like time itself. His eyes were pitch black, like looking into a never ending abyss. I could have fallen for ever. All the beauty of the world was wrapped up inside him. Oh, and his hair, how I wish I could touch his tightly curled hair, so different from my own, so tempting.

I walked past him and he looked up at me with ice cold eyes. His ethereal beauty caught me off guard. His lips were like soft pink rose petals. His skin was fairer then mine, though he also had the same few small, dark freckles across his nose and cheeks. His hair was blond though his eyebrows were as black as mine. I found him gorgeous. His eyes, his skin, he looked like a ghost. Like he shouldn't be here, like he was in the wrong world. He held everything unseen in his eyes. The secrets of the universe lay hidden under the clear impenetrable ice. I wanted to touch him, he looked so forbidden. I wanted to kiss him.

I half thought he would feel like ice under my lips.

My Patriotic Wound

2008-03-16T18:28:00.003+10:00

One of the wounds/graze/cut/hurty bit is shaped like Australia. I'm not joking, it really really is! Not only is it shaped like Australia but it has bits of gravel still stuck in the skin. Stuck just where the capital cities are along the east coast. There's Cairns, Brisbane, Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne, Adelaide and Tasmania has an entire gravel piece to itself. With this much patriotism residing in just one palm I think I should be elected Prime Minister.

You need to watch these dancing kids. The red nut and his sister and the three Afri kids are hilarious! Don't argue, just go watch it. Now! Go! CLICK!

The Fat Bitch Needs A Heartattack!

2008-03-15T10:20:00.005+10:00

I was walking to the bus stop to go to work and I blacked out. Next thing I know I'm centimetres from the ground and so I fling my hands out and kind of commando roll on to my side. Sometimes I black out. I don't know why, it just happens, however this is only the second time I've blacked out and fallen. Well it wasn't really a fall, more of a drop. I lay on my back in the grass for a while and laughed at myself and then I got up and kept walking. I glanced at my palms, they were a little scraped but nothing bad. I could just wash them when I got to work. Walked about 100m and then my palms really started to sting. Looked at them again, properly this time. Eurgh. I wish I hadn't. They'd started bleeding, the skin was torn and hanging off in shreds. Ewww and there was gravel in them. The blood started trickling. So I came home. There's no way I can work with my hands like that.

I got home and called work. They didn't believe me. They thought I was lying to get out of work. The supervisor actually transferred me to the manager, who yelled at me. The fat bitch said I was just trying to get out of work and point blank refused to believe that I hurt myself. Did I mention she was yelling? Then she slammed the phone down on me. I HATE HER!

She's lucky I called in sick. If I had shown up bleeding and useless they aren't allowed to send me home because of the weird laws. SO they would have had to pay me as well as the person they called in to cover my own work. I would probably have walked around for 8 hours putting things back on shelves. ARGH I HATE HER! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME!! SHE'S SUCH A COW! I even wanted to go to work today, for the social aspect, not the work aspect, obviously. Also really need the money. I hope she suffers a fatal heart attack and dies a painful death!

This is the same lady who accused another girl of being a drug addict for being 10min late to work and she also accused the Perishables manager of drug dealing. She made the girl go to the police to get a urine test. She's such a bitch. I can't wait to quit. I've never had to work with such fat backstabbing cow. I want her dead. Anyway I'm off to vote now. I don't even know what this election is for, maybe the council? Or the Mayor? Whatever, I'll pick the best looking one so at least when I have to look at their face on the news every other day I wont gag.

PS. Turns out the fat bitch has already had a heart attack, she's still here though. Grrrr.

Fat Pizza

2008-03-14T21:13:00.003+10:00

I just saw December Boys. It was really good, very sad ending, well sad and happy. Still made me cry though. I wanted to wrap myself up in a sleeping bag with my head under the covers and cry for a while. Instead I came to the computer and was greeted by this from my Danish ex-bf.

Workers Revolution

2008-03-14T15:00:00.005+10:00

Your name is [CENSORED]?

I catch the bus everywhere, except those rare times I can scam a lift off someone. I like to record the racial demographic of the bus. Why? Well, why not? It's something to do and I am actually very interested in how Brisbane's multiculturalism is coming along. Yes 27th, Brisbane, aren't you a smart lil' cookie. Today's bus demographic: 1/2Asian, 1/4White and 1/4 mix of Indian, Middle Eastern and African. The bus driver was Maori. He was cool, had a gold earring and had the radio on very loudly! It was fantastic.

I went to my first Social Sciences in Australia lecture and tutorial class today and it was AWESOME! There's about 230 people in the lecture. We're studying Karl Marx, Emile Durkheim and Max Weber. We watched a Charlie Chaplin film called 'Modern Times' (1939) which was strange and surprisingly very funny. I wonder if it's one youtube... and it is, click here. I can finish watching it now! :D Score! The lecturer was talking about how disconnected people are from one another and from our own histories. She asked us to put our hands up if we we had ancestors from blah blah blah (list of countries) I could put my hand up to French, English, Irish, Scottish, Danish and Spanish. She asked us our Sun signs, turns out there are a lot of Capricorns taking this subject. For the record I'm a Leo. Lots more questions and also it turns out I am living below the Australian poverty line. What an enjoyable realisation that was. The point of all the hand raising was to make us realise how many connections there were between us that we had never even thought of. There were 7 Leos including me and 10 of us live below the poverty line.

In the tutorial I was in the Workers Revolution group and we had to decide what we would do as poor workers who were now in charge of our country. What laws would we make etc. etc. Turns out our ideas were the best she'd ever heard and she's been teaching this class for over a decade. Isn't my group smart :P

I think I prefer Marx to Durkheim, he was more of a 'shout out' guy whereas Durkheim walked along the line of 'let it be'.

Charlie Chaplin, I never use to like him but I'm watching Modern Times as I write this and he freakishly reminds me of my gay friend Michael. Or he would do if Charlie Chaplin was French Vietnamese. Charlie just poured salt all over his food. Gawd. Also, most of the people in my tutorial have a cat and none of us have dogs. The lecturer/tutor was quite surprised and a little weirded out.

[CENSORED]?

Every Me and Every You

2008-03-13T18:20:00.003+10:00

Do you know that song by Placebo? Sometimes you find a song that describes your mood, or in this case your personality. "Someone to bruise and leave behind." - that's me. I'm not the one left behind though, I'm always the one who leaves. Again and again. A trail of broken hearts bleeding behind me. I can't help it, I'm a serial heart breaker. Why do boys fall so hard? Maybe I deceive them by looking small and adorable. Perhaps the sweet look hides the evil too well. I hope I meet my match one day, someone who can hurt me as badly as I can hurt them. Perhaps then I can call a truce with that person, maybe it'll break the cycle.

Speaking of evil, my friends think I am. I'm the cemetery child. The Devil incarnate. They say I'm cold hearted, have no heart, am made of ice or stone. I've even been told I have no soul, though that was by some lady who was trying to get me to convert to some born again faith and I told her I'd rather fuck the Devil.

The cemetery child. Picture a horror movie style thing. There's a young girl standing in the dark, possibly in a cemetery. She has long light hair and cold blue eyes, pretty though, even cute. Until she looks at you and smiles and open her small sweet mouth and as she speaks you can feel your blood turn to ice and every fibre of your being wants to turn around and run for your life. You look into her eyes for just a moment and you know that you're about to die. Well according to my friends I am that girl. Only sometimes though, just sometimes. Apparently sometimes I get a strange look in my eyes or I say something that freaks them out. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens and they're like 'stop it DeTamble! It's really scary!' *rolls eyes* They're such whimps.

Or maybe it's true.

My mum once told me that before I was born she had an extremely intense and realistic dream that I was the Devil. I'd just like to publicly say thank you mummy, for putting me at such ease.

Or maybe I'm completely normal and my friends and my mother's imaginations are just too active and boys hearts are just too easily damaged. Well, alright I am a little cold hearted but I'm not evil. They're just silly.

Now for what I actually had in mind for this post:

People shouldn't be allowed to spray deodorant on the bus! Especially men. Perfume is acceptable but deodorant is not. Why? Because it stinks! I'm sitting 3m away and I can smell it and it's yuck! I couldn't smell you before so obviously you didn't stink before. Spray your deodorant before you get on the bus so it has a chance to subside! STINKFACE!

Simon, you're a nice guy, just with a huge flaw. Desperate begging. I'm so glad you weren't on my bus this morning.

There were three white South Africans on the bus this afternoon. They were oozing white superiority. I just wanted to slog them. Smarmy, pale, rugby short wearing filth. The blond freckly one was the worst. He acted like a snooty little prince, looking down upon everyone else with disdain. You should have heard the conversation! Sexism anyone? All I was thinking was that I wish I was in charge of Australia's immigration because then their visas would never have been approved and they wouldn't have been allowed at my university and I wouldn't have had to have put up with them on my bus.

Also, I have renamed my freckles, I was slightly intoxicated at the time. My freckles are no longer to be called my freckles, they have been re-christened 'my Africa spots'. They're cute too.

Absolute Shite

2008-03-13T16:24:00.003+10:00

I'm nearing the end of my journal. This is my 6th journal I think. I tend to write a lot. A lot of shit actually. Before I close it's worn pages and place it at the back of my closet with all my other journals I thought I'd transfer some of it onto my blog. So that I can read my preferred parts without having to delve back into the dark spidery depths of that closet.

Landcare Australia spends $4billion pa. on pulling out weeds.

Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.

Beppe Grillo - Vaffanculo Day.

Alek Wek is a hot Sudanese model.

What are planagles?

May Zeus strike you down with his shiny bolts of lightning!

Bow down before the power that is Santa or be crushed by his Jolly Boots of Doom!

What's with saying 'cya' and 'bye' straight after?

Zibubbly now in Zipink - Zibibbo Rosa.

Hospitals have a name for people who ride motorcycles without helmets, they're called 'Donorcylces'. Charming.

Saw a lizard eating a dead magpie - 30th of October 2007.

RIP Liep Gony.

Pronto Condoms

At this rate he could launch his own series - Jaz on Osama Bin Laden about his televised rants.

Rambo IV was murder porn.

Alex - DeTamble
TAG! You're mine! 2day is national CLAIM A RETARD DAY so you're my retard! Hurry and tag as many retards as you can. No tag backs! 4:26pm 25th of July 2007 (it was a text)

Tom to DeTamble: You look like a stoned rabbit. Sometimes you look like a normal stoned rabbit and sometimes you look like a were-rabbit. (Yes, I know. What the hell is he talking about?)

I think that one lecturer to 359 students is fine, sort of intimate.

The Rosetta Stone.

610AD 1st revelation of Qur'an.

Sometimes I write down things my friends are saying, I sort of transcribe our conversations as we talk...yeh, I'm a freak. My friends and I were talking about sex, because it's an hilarious topic.

A does not care about the colour (of a vibrator), she just wants to get off. I would rather a black one, I like the colour contrast.
T said that at Sexpo one could probably find an anal probe the goes right to the back of the teeth. (yep, kind of gross, we yelled at him)

The way my friends and I settle arguments and so does most of the worlds political leaders apparently. Whoever gets in first and is loudest is always right.

Weirdest pick up line we created: You're cuntastic, wanna come home with me? *sleazy wink and maybe a slight eyebrow waggle*

It was decided that T as the only boy in the group is the wang bearer.
T - I bear the wang says I, the bearer of the wang.

Also whenever someone says something incredibly stupid which surprisingly isn't that often. I guess because it has to be stupider then most of the things we says and we have set a very low bar, this is what happens. We turn as one upon the person who said the stupid thing and yell "Ding! Ding! Ding! (like a wrestlers bell) You've been BRIETARDED!"

Obviously anyone reading this post wont understand anything written here because you're probably not as insane as I am. Though I did try to write some explanations for the normal amongst you.

Here's some random things that I was going to post about and then never did and just saved them into the same draft:

T talking to me:
T - I'm going to go play war games and shoot a few people, it's okay though, I think they're Russian.
Me - Russian, yeah that's okay...You know it would be even better if they were American!
T - Actually, I think we're the Americans.
Me - Oh, damn.
T - I have shot a few of my own men though, accidentally.
Me - Good, good, take them down from the inside.

I've just sorted out 1,052 pay slips. I've been in the same job for far, far too long. I'm looking for another.

I remember when I was in the beginning of highschool and every Tuesday night I would rush into the sitting room to watch Malcolm in the Middle. Fuck Yeah! You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big. I loved it!

As a leaving note.

Boobs that art in heaven, hallowed be thy bust.

I'll be back.

Did you just say damn?

ANWAY, like I said I'll be back with the thing I was actually going to post.

Lego World

2008-03-11T11:39:00.002+10:00

Even at a tender age I wanted to rule the world. Lego is God.

Text, Sex and Booze

2008-03-09T19:22:00.002+10:00

Ummmm, hmmm, errrr, gah. I've never felt less like blogging in my life but as Cheri said I really should write something. Simon, the Sudanese. Nice guy, very interesting, I really enjoyed talking to him. Learnt a lot. Also met a member of the Sudanese Australia Soccer Team. One thing though. And this is a big thing. Simon, is DESPERATE! To have a girlfriend or to get laid, in fact both. I have a boyfriend. I was very very clear that if we spent any time hanging out that it was FRIENDS ONLY! He tried to kiss me, several times. It's just not cool to do that.

Scenario:
Simon and I sitting on a couch arguing about Hilary vs. Obama. Then he tries to kiss me. We weren't even sitting close. He had to move several feet. I pushed his face away and told him that it wasn't okay to do that. Continue talking. He tries again. He was harder to push away this time so, knowing that most guys are ticklish, I tickled him. He squealed like a little girl and moved away very fast. He said sorry and hoped that he hadn't scared me. I said if he had scared me I would have left. Normally, in a strange house with a strange man who wouldn't stop trying to kiss me and obviously wanted more I would have felt scared. But I didn't, in fact I was actually trying not to laugh. He was really desperate to get laid, I was seriously amused. In fact the third time he tried to kiss me I almost laughed in his face. Except I was getting annoyed so I pushed him away really hard and said, yet again, that I was not sleeping with him BECAUSE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND BECAUSE I JUST MET YOU and that the only way he was going to get laid was if he raped me and then I slammed my fingernail into his throat and dragged it across as hard as I could (it left a nice mark) and said that if he tried I would rip his throat out with my teeth and then I smiled sweetly at him and took my finger off his throat. He didn't try to kiss me again. I sent him a text message later on telling him not to call me. I'm a little sad about it because he was really interesting and I did like him, especially his dark skin and cute cheeks and mattress hair. I wanted to learn more about him. But he screwed up by being so desperate and kind of begging. You just don't do that to someone you just met. He should have gotten to know me, gained my trust, waited for me to fall for him. But he didn't and so he lost all chance.

About the throat mutilation, yes, I am aware that threatening to bite someone's throat out Rambo/werewolf style isn't a normal. But I really wanted to! I was actually a little disappointed he didn't try something a little more forceful because I really, really, really wanted to see if I could actually rip someone's throat out with my teeth. It wasn't personal, I didn't want to hurt him I just wanted to see if I could do it. No I'm not into vampires or anything like that. The idea just came to me one day as a good defence, since it's not something most people would be expecting. Oh well, some other time perhaps.

I got really drunk on Thursday and didn't have any mushrooms because I didn't think it was a good idea to mix drugs. Apparently I am a cemetery child. More on that later though.

Nervous

2008-03-04T16:58:00.006+10:00

Yesterday I met a boy at a bus stop, well man actually. He's 29. He asked how old I was, I told him and then I asked how old he was. He said guess. I guessed mid 30s. I think I offended him slightly. He does look old though, I was being polite when I said 30s, I was really thinking 40s. He said he's stressed. He said he's studying a Masters in International Relations. I told him I was also studying International Relations. We chatted. He offered to be a sort of mentor if I needed any help or another point of view. He was nice. He had one white hair on his head. I remembered when my daddy used to make me pull out his white hairs and we would laugh and wonder if seven more would grow in their place. The International Relations man asked me for my number, I gave it to him, he gave me his. We organised to hang out on Thursday so that we could argue our different political, moral and religious views. We got on the bus and chatted a bit more. He's from Sudan and sometimes I can't understand what he says but mostly it was fine. He got off much earlier then I did and I realised I was actually shaking slightly. Was it an adrenaline rush or did he make me really nervous? I don't know, though I didn't feel nervous. He said he'd call on Thursday to arrange exactly where to meet. I don't know if he will call but I would like it if he did.

To My Mother:

2008-03-02T19:41:00.003+10:00

Mother, my friend. You infuriate me sometimes. Like this morning, when you said you would drive me to work. I was supposed to be there are 9am remember? Do you remember what you did at 8:55am, when we should have left 10 minutes earlier? You wrote a shopping list, a long one. I was 15minutes late. I appreciate you driving me, but in future please remember that I lose money if I am late.

Money I need!

Every time my mother walks into my room she goes "Ohhhh, DeTamble" in a way that sounds like I've deeply disappointed her. Apparently my room is a little on the messy side. I like it, it's much easier to find things when they're all laid out on the floor before you. My mothers room is sparklingly neat, mine has spider webs, of which I am very fond. She thinks that if she continues to go "Ohhhh, DeTamble" that I will finally cave in a clean my room. It's not going to happen. What might happen though is that I snap and kill her! My mother makes me very angry sometimes. In fact more angry then anyone else makes me, well, except for that one other person who makes me clench my teeth and feel the urge to slap. Of course I wont slap them, I can't reach anyway, and I wont kill my mother. I will use what little self control I have and instead choose to annoy her by playing a song she doesn't like over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until she comes storming in and tells me to turn it off. Which I do, and I smile to myself and look forward to the day when I will flee.

My boyfriend just came home as I was about to post this. I haven't seen him since early Friday, he went to his friends 30th birthday party. He came in and we hugged for a long time. This was our conversation.

Me: You have fun?
Him: Yes, didn't really want to come home actually.
M: I didn't want you to come home either. It was nice being alone.
H: I only thought about you twice, for a few minutes.
M: Twice? Me too. I didn't miss you at all.
H: Me neither.
M: I was enjoying the bed all to myself as well.
H: I thought you would.
M: It's alright though, that you're back, I've been cold at night.
H: I love you.
M: I love you too.

Actually, I think I will miss our relationship when we part ways. I enjoy my selfishness.

HTML HATES ME ; (

2008-02-29T08:50:00.007+10:00

Need to figure out how to linkage and picturage here and there's a massive tennis ball sized knot in my hair and I am pissed! That's it, I'm cracking open a bottle, I don't care how early it is!

Sydney, couple of days ago. HAHA. SUCKERS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCtbna6iEgQ&feature=related

Hmm, that was unexpectedly simple. Either I'm total idiot or a complete genius!

Effin' hell that was a intense knot to work out, two hours it took! My arms are killing me from holding them up behind my head. Owwwww. Where's my booze got to?

Where Did I Go?

2008-02-28T21:06:00.009+10:00

I looked in the mirror this morning and I was so surprised by what I saw that I had to sit down on the bed. Where did I go? That's not me! That's an adults face! Where is my face? Where are my cute pudgy little cheeks? What are these cheek bones for? My face looks so different. Why did it take me so long to notice, I look in the mirror like five times a day. Why did I only notice now. As I sat on the bed I looked at my little hands, the dimples children have on their hands are gone. When did they go? How long have they been gone? When did I become an adult? How could I have missed this! I'm gone and there's this strange girl staring back at me.

Rufus Wainright, where have you been hiding my whole life? I've fallen in love with your voice, it makes my heart beat so hard, I'm on a constant high.

My boyfriend and I are breaking up. I'm having an affair with a wrestler called Jeronimo. Ha, no not really. We're not breaking up for a while. In August he's going overseas for a while and I'm always busy with uni. Plus I want to leave my country for the greener grass of others and I don't want him to come with me. I want to be by myself. He doesn't want to come anyway. Which I think is good. When we started going out in 2006 we fought so often, it even got physical occasionally but apparently I'm too frightening to fight with because I fight like an enraged cat. We don't fight any more, we worked through most of our differences and learned to live with the rest. It's been the strangest relationship I've ever had and I definitely don't want another like it but it's been a good learning experience. It certainly opened my eyes up to a whole lot of things. Enough is enough though and it's time to move on. August can't come soon enough. I love him and I never want to stop being close to him but I don't want to date him any longer. He's not even my type. I have this rule that I wont date anyone under six foot, and I broke it for him because, well I don't even know why, I just did. The only reason we're staying together atm is because we live in the same house and share the rent and I don't want to have to pay double rent, also the lease doesn't run out until July/August. We companionably ignore each other most of the time, I'm quite enjoying myself too, I have new things and new people to experience.

An update on A's hair, it's gone green. Muwhahahaha. They're trying to dye it red now.

I have my first Uni classes for this year on Wednesday, I'm only studying three subjects this semester. Social Sciences in Australia, Understanding Islam and Muslim Societies and Effective Writing. The books for the subjects are really interesting. I wonder what I'll think of the lectures.

I've put the Purple Hibiscus on hold at the library, I should have it in a few days. I hope it's as good as people say. Recently I read Balzac and The Little Chinese Seamstress, I laughed and thought of the Dying Communist.

You should read it 27th, it's good. Seriously, read it! It's true Australia was having it's worst drought in history. Most of our dams were empty, there were so many skeletons on farms. Bats were literally dropping from the sky because they had starved to death. 4 minute showers have been the rule. A new "Water Patrol" was created, they're the water police and they drive around and give people huge fines for water misuse. They're like water Nazis. Children in Australia from about 8 and younger had never even seen rain until late last year. Apparently the drought is breaking in some parts. Broken by flooding. The rest of it is still so dry great cracks have ripped apart the earth. Looks like a huge earthquake went through. Maybe Australia's climate has PMS.

Did it die because you fed it only bread? What type of bird was it? When I was little I used to help this old lady who looked after hurt sugar gliders. They're so cute, the cages smell though. You can't feed the babies cow milk because it makes them go blind. They're so soft. At least you took care of the bird, it's better to die being loved than to die out in the cold and starving.

The guy who didn't swim spent 30 hours hanging onto the esky lid until a helicopter came to find him. I would have swum.

You are an over-conservative idiot! :)

Yes, Australians kill tourists and if the people don't kill you the country will. I'm not joking about this, 100s of tourists have died here. Murdered, mostly backpackers. Or drowned. Or lost. The police find new bodies constantly. There wont be a week that goes by here without another tourists body being found. They're in the paper constantly. Don't worry though, we just like to kill the English, French and Germans. African tourists seem to be perfectly safe, for the moment. Probably because there aren't a lot of them here.
Tips for tourists who would like to visit without dying.
1) No hitch hiking! Most of the missing backpackers were killed by a pair of brothers who offered them a lift and then brutally murdered and raped them and then left their bodies in the bush.
2) If you want to go outback do it with a reputable tour group and don't fucking ever walk off by yourself! You don't want to end up like the French lady who scrawled "help" in the desert sand. Actually she was just found today, she's still alive but she was lost in the desert for almost five days. Or the lady last month who was in a car crash out whoop whoop (it means middle of nowhere) all the people in the car died and she walked for a week along the road until a truck saw her. They were lucky, most of the time you die.
3) Going to the beach? Don't go out more than 5 meters and stay between the flags at ALL TIMES! Unless you want to drown. A couple drowned here about 3 weeks ago and they were on they're honeymoon. I forget which country they were from though. During Christmas several Indian students drowned. Honestly people. Learn to swim or get the fuck out of the water!
4) Stick to the cities and if you want to travel go along the East Coast. Only go outback if you really really desperately want to and be well prepared and don't, repeat, DON'T go by yourself.
If you feel likely to forget the outback rule, I suggest you watch the movie Wolf Creek. It should help remind you.
5) You can go to Uluru though, there's always plenty of people there, you're highly unlikely to die. Unless you're a baby and the Dingo gets you.

Any of you heard of a comedian named Akmal? The dude is fucking hilarious. He's the best Aussie around. Brilliant. Actually speaking of comedy, any one heard of The Chaser's War On Everything? Their APEC stunt. Hehe. Canada can get you anywhere.

27th, my dad is Chinese, he speaks Mandarin. If I was going to learn languages I'd learn French, German, Serbian, Danish, Russian and Japanese. I already speak a very small amount of Danish. I saw the video too. I didn't realise you were so young!! I'm sorry but in my mind I had aged you to around late 30s early 40s. My bad. I really liked your dreads though. Sprite? I wish I thought you were joking. You smoke pot. Why just Sprite?

@Cheri, did you mean put this post up?

Can someone else explain to me what "Spit Out" means. You were bloody hopeless at explaining that 27th. Unless you meant that, ohhh no nvm I just don't understand. Try again.

PS. I hope everyone has a blast at UBHH. I'm going to go to bed now to sulk ; ( Unreasonable plane ticket prices. Hmph!

Alcoholics Anonymous

2008-02-28T11:41:00.010+10:00

I Eat Dinner - Rufus Wainright is my song for the day. Yesterday too.

I can't remember what I wanted to write about, my mind is a total blank. Maybe I've finally killed off too many brain cells.

@Scotchbiscuit, Sydney got massively flooded when a months worth of rain fell in 1 hour. And a couple of weeks ago somewhere else in Aus got a 10years of rain in less than a week. So now would be a great time to visit if you always wanted to row down the streets :P

I got a text at 5 this morning from my bf asking me to take his wallet into work because he forgot it and needed food for lunch. Instead of catching the bus there I decided to walk, it's only a 2^1/2 hour walk. Got halfway and I looked down and there was a beautiful little nest lying under a tree so I picked it up to have a look and it was warm. Now I've picked up nests before and they've never been warm. It wasn't sunny either because it was raining. I looked down and there was a tiny brown speckled egg and I picked it up and it was warm too. I looked for another egg but I didn't see one. Long story short, I gave the egg and nest to the vet. I was going to take it home and keep it warm but I don't have time for an egg! I wonder if the vet threw it in the bin? Hmmm. I don't think so though, there are very strict and enforced laws about wildlife here. It's probably gone to a wildlife carer. My bf got his wallet too and the egg got to go on two buses. For free. Also a muscle in my leg that I didn't even know I had started to ache after only an hour!

@Cheri, the baby from the last post is out of hospital now and is absolutely perfect. In fact it's so perfect they should probably name it DeTamble.

Two fisherman at Byron Bay were shipwrecked and one of them hung onto an esky lid whilst the other swam for TEN hours back to shore to get help! TEN HOURS!! Oh my God!! I'm amazed he survived, if the sharks didn't get him (hahaha) then the rifts were sure to suck him down. The dude must be like a superhero or something.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just got a call from Bee saying that they dyed Amby's hair brown now. See yesterday I got called to go over to Amby's flat to dye her hair blonde. So Bee and I mixed up the stuff and put it in her hair and then wrapped her head in Glad Wrap (plastic wrap, for sandwiches and the such). Tom (my bf/Doctor Who) stood around laughing and telling me to wipe the dye of her face with the towel. Amby refused to leave it in long enough so it turned out yellow/gold and not blonde! I kind of liked the colour but Bee, Amby and Tom weren't happy with it. So off we went for a walk to the supermarket cause we were all to pissed to drive, except me but I don't even have my learners yet (really need to get it soon!). Amby gave me her bank card cause she was too embarrassed to come inside with us. So I bought a whole lot of food with her card, SUCKER! Now you're even poorer than you were before! We spilled tomato pasta sauce on her cream carpet too, it goes well with the red wine which we spilled last time :D Since last night Amby has had her hair dyed 3 times, twice blonde and now Bee called to say they just dyed it brown. Poor Amby, I hope it didn't sting her scalp to bad.

Also we watched the shower scene in Rambo I for Bee's sake. She's obsessed with him, worse than I am with Kate, if that's possible. Then we searched for the porn Rambo was in but we only found the preview, boooooring! So instead we watched some lesbians getting it on. It wasn't porn. It was a sex scene from a tv show and it was HOT! I totally understand why guys like it. Ahhhh, Fuck Me, They Were So Hot! Okay, stop thinking about it now DeTamble!! Seriously girl, just stop! *takes a deep breath* Anywho, yesterday I drank my first Absinthe, and my first Gin. 27th I'm telling you now I'm not a Gin girl, I'm a Port girl. Perhaps you could make a port out of you fermented nectar instead? ;) Since when do Ugandans kill tourists? Speaking Arabic at an airport can get you arrested?? But that's where I always practise my Arabic. Damn, maybe I should start learning a new language. Can Luganda get you arrested at airports?
I too like tripod jokes :) Would the funny Britcom be Coupling by any chance? I hope it is because I LOVE that show! I own that show!

I've just remembered what I wanted to blog about now. New post coming ever so shortly...

Hangings

2008-02-26T17:29:00.003+10:00

PNG (Papua New Guinea). The country next to mine. A husband and wife were accused of witchcraft because their neighbour died. They were hung in a tree in the middle of the night. Luckily the nooses were loose so they managed to escape but during that time the lady, out of shock, gave birth to her baby while still hanging from the tree and trying to hang onto the rope so she could breath! WTF were the villagers who hung them thinking? ARGH! And I live next to that country. It sucks. People who believe in witchcraft enough to hang someone else can go and suck on my hairy balls!!

How do you justify doing something like that?
"oh Yeah I know people die all the time and it didn't look suspicious at all but you know that husband and wife were his nearest neighbours so they must be witches and obviously because they were his nearest neighbour they would have definitely killed him. I'll go take the law into my own dangerously misguided and stupid hands and go and hang them in the dead of night when they're not expecting it."

Sometimes I look at the world and I just want to shoot myself.

Strange Days On Planet DeTamble

2008-02-24T21:12:00.008+10:00

I tend to have random flashes, an idea, a feeling, a thought. These were today's:

1. I adore my country, but only in a senses way, don't care for the people or government.
2. I find twins highly intriguing, probably because I know none.
3. I wish I knew more about jazz.
4.I miss my (step)daddy, I want to see him.
5. I like watching Miss Marple.
6. I love the sexual tension between David Tennant and Sophia Myles (she's so hot) in The Girl In The Fireplace.
7. I love the song Suo Gan.
8. Welsh accents send my heart a fluttering.
9. I really, really, really like Empire of the Sun, it's the first movie I can remember watching.

YESTERDAY!
I saw Rambo IV. I did not want to see this - AARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH I just had a jumping ant on me *cries like a baby*. If that had bitten me I would have been sooooooo screwed!!!! - not because I could quite happily have died yesterday but because I actually just didn't want to see the movie. Not even a little bit. B, A, T ( lol bat) and I went. I had been expressly told I would not be piking on the movie. Even though I really wanted too!! So I went.

As we were walking over the bus way A said to me " You know DeTamble every time I see you I think you can't say anything more shocking and appallingly then the thing you said last time we hung out but now I know you can always reach a new high."

Me- "What?! When did I last shock or appal you?"
A - "Yesterday!! I can't believe what you said about that boy in the drain!"
Me - "Oh right, sorry I forgot I said that."
I forgot to ask what I had said that had shocked and appalled her as we walked across the bus way to make her say that in the first place. I'm sure it was something terrible, as usual.

B had said that the movie was a B-grade action movie. Turned out it was a bloody, violent murder porn movie!!! Poor A couldn't watch it at all so I gave her my iPod to listen to the Juno soundtrack and she sat with her eyes closed for most of the movie, poor girl. I watched it though, there was only once that I hid behind my hair and didn't look. My heart was pounding, so much adrenaline. When I walked out of the cinema I felt like I was on drugs. It was intense. And the rape scenes. I hate rape. It's disgusting. I would rather die then be raped. Really, just kill me first. Don't care what you do with the body just let me go first. If it was just one person I would try to hurt them, anything I could do. I'd circumcise them with my teeth if I could. Do you think that would hurt them? I hope so.

The movie made me feel a little sick actually. I was a little shell shocked. The one thing I really liked though was the guy who towards the end Rambo leaves with the girl. I WANT his gun! It was fucking awesome! I don't know exactly what it was but I fucking want it! That gun and the guy shooting it, best bit out of the whole movie! I loved those bits!!!

Afterwards we sat in the park. A was meeting her sister who has come down from up north. A is the coolest person. She says she gonna tell her sister she's a lesbian. Her family are well, very religious homophobic racists to be quite honest. Typical northerners, apart from the religious bit. Anyway I don't know why she has to tell her sister. Why not keep the family in the dark, she hardly ever sees them anyway. I reckon she should stay in the closet when it comes to her family. There's plenty of room in her closet, since she seems to fit all of us in just fine.

When I was sitting in the cinema with them and I thought, I just love hanging out with them, they're the coolest friends anyone could want. It's such a high to be around them. I always go home with my ribs aching because I've laughed so much. Actually maybe I should stop hanging out with them, I'm sure they're adding to my wrinkle count. Laughter lines my arse, those are just wrinkles!!

On another topic, Rambo related though. Urgh Rambo. B loves Rambo! She reckons he soooo hot. Even now that he's like 70 and powered up on testosterone injections! She loves him, she wants his cock. Ewwwwww! GROSS! I don't get it! How can she like Rambo??

On the other hand she doesn't understand why I want Morgan Freeman. His voice is so hot and his fluffy hair and ohhhh my god he's soooooo hot. Alan Rickman too. Ahhhh they can take me anytime.

Oh and Kate Maberly. *Swoons* Oh Kate if only you were mine.

I would want for nothing more.

WTF!!

2008-02-24T08:11:00.001+10:00

Why are Americans stopping by my page to read the "Watch that cock grow" post? They're arriving from Google straight to that post. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SEARCHING FOR??

RE: Posion Capsule

2008-02-23T17:15:00.005+10:00

I have to run in 3min so quick update in case you drop by. Nothing bad has happened, well nothing like that anyway. A couple of weeks ago I finally gathered up the courage to tell my mum what I'm planning to do with my life/career and what I want to do hurts her, badly. She's very worried about me and sad for herself. I don't like hurting my mummy, it makes me hurt. Lots. I'll edit this later I gtg now. Bye fluffy head

Edit:

Yeah, it's bad when we make our Mamas cry :-( She wanted me to go to Uni and study psychology, get a good job, get married, buy a house and have a few children and she either wanted to live with me or live nearby. I'm all she has. I have no siblings and my father has been a missing person since I was 3 and my step-father lives 4hours flight away from us. The rest of her family live just as far away as my step-dad but in another city, the closest person is my Aunt but my mum can't handle talking to her. Remember that lady 27th wrote about recently, the lady with the scars, that's my aunt and she refuses to leave him even though a couple of weeks ago he broke her jaw. So yep, I'm all she has and she was relying on me and I couldn't do what she wanted. Instead I'm studying International Relations and as soon as I'm done I'm leaving my country to see things that will scar me for life, may get me killed and will definitely hurt. That's what I'm scared of, that it'll hurt so much I'll just die inside. And I've only just started and I already hurt because I know it'll hurt her more just because I wont be with her.

Woah, DeTamble way to depress yourself, I think maybe you shouldn't write this stuff down girl.

That Poison Capsule 27th, I'll Visit On My 28th Birthday.

2008-02-22T23:40:00.003+10:00

My heart is bruised, my feelings hurt and I am frightened. So when my mother says do you want to see a corny love movie I jump at the chance because for a little while it makes me feel happy and I forget that I am travelling down a path that will ultimately destroy me. I watch the movie and just for a moment I forget how scared I am.

FUCKING FAT CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-21T18:32:00.006+10:00

Shit went down at work today!!

I work for a huge corporation, we're talking multi-billion here. A Giant Fat Chashed up company who've got a very strict workplace code of conduct and if you stray from that code, man are you fucked! So when things like this happen at work it's HUGE!

This person at work, totally sweet, really nice, works hard and is generally pretty awesome, well they're in charge of arriving early at work to prepare it for opening. We'll call this person Bobbi. So Bobbi is waiting patiently at the bus stop and the dead beat bus driver just drives past. So Bobbi calls work to say "gonna be late". It's all good.

Gets to work 30min late and goes to see the supervisor to tell her what happened with the bus and sorry for being late, not that is was Bobbi's fault anyway. The Supervisor who isn't unbelievably thick goes "the bus? but the manager said that you were late because you're a drug addict and you couldn't tidy yourself up fast enough to get to work on time"

Now Bobbi is like the perfect employee, makes me look like a lazy slut actually. Anyway Bobbi goes to talk to the manager who by the way if the fattest person I know, not to mention the dumbest, bitchiest, racist pig that I've ever heard speak. Oh and she's a total back stabber too. Recently two Nepalese teenagers started work and she said "do you think we should give them lockers? they might be terrorists!" umm yeah right of course they're terrorists. and my elbow is about to blow up parliament house.

anyway Bobbi asks her and of course she denies she ever called her a drug addict. which was totally stupid because i've personally heard her say it, but at the time i thought yeah okay whatever. but this time she really really meant it. btw Bobbi is not a drug addict, not even close. there are a few druggies who work there but she aint one of them. i'm more likely to be shooting up in the car park :D

anyway the manager is just nasty and it totally got out of hand and Bobbi spent most of the day crying her eyes out in the locker room and the big big big boss got called in for meeting about it. turns out the manager is in serious danger of losing her job! but you know that's what happens when you accuse your employees of being lazy drug addicted workophobes.

Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings

2008-02-19T19:13:00.003+10:00

The time has come to put away childish fancies, to lay to rest my dreams because UNIVERSITY goes back next week!

First of all, Hello Anonymous Ugandan fan from Iowa. Your wish has been granted oh non-rhyming fan. I am posting more often. Where are you?

As some of the more intelligent amongst you may have noticed the post below the post below is a tad incoherent and borders on psychotically depraved but fear not I'm okay now, my moment of irate insanity has passed, to be replaced by updated, bigger and better moments of psychotic behaviour once University officially commences.

27th, strange fluffy haired man of the even stranger boots, how's the clawing going? Do you feel as though you have successfully reclaimed your domain?
An unsuccessful assassin in a previous life, huh? What was your weapon of choice in your old assassin days? Personally I always favoured the sniper rifle.
As for those emails, perhaps you should send them a picture of your manhood so they can gaze in awe and envy and promptly take you off their mailing list.
I was having a closer look at the picture of "my" goat and I realised it's pupils slanted horizontally. Is that normal? It makes it look scary!
YES! You do have better tricks then snot! There are some extremely good looking Ugandans (I'm not saying anything for their personalities, but they do look good). Just line up some hot adults and then some snot babies on a tv ad with a cheesy american voice saying "If you sponsor a snotty nosed infant today you could be caring for tomorrows studs" Or some other equally corny/smutty/sleazy line. Hmm, but that still uses the snot. Maybe you don't have any better tricks, maybe you're just doomed 27th.

If it makes you feel any better I was lying when I wrote that I was guilt tripped into sponsoring because of a snot covered child. I actually only did it because I was watching a documentary on a couple of Australian journalists who were reporting in Rwanda during the genocide and how they were affected by it. It was extremely graphic to say the least and I was very curious about Rwanda after that. Started reading, turns out I like Uganda more than Rwanda. I had extra money so I sponsored a Ugandan. No snot involved. Plenty of Blood though. Also there was this Acholi boy who was, ahhhhhhh, he's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot I almost died!

Boobalator

2008-02-15T11:39:00.002+10:00

My bf just got home from work so I went to say hello.

Me - "Hey"
Him - "Ooooh a boobalator"
Me- "Are you trying to say my tits look nice in this singlet?"
Him - "Yes"

$50 and a Goat

2008-02-15T09:42:00.005+10:00

So there's this boy in Gulu who I think is pretty fucking hot! Not that that has much to do with anything other than I think he's nice to look at. Anyway DeTamble stop day dreaming and write about the goat!

Like I said in one of my first blogs I got guilt tripped into sponsoring a child. Those horrible ads with those icky snotty snivelling children were too much for me. So I sponsored one. No one should have snot stuck to their face. It's just gross.

As a general rule I hate children. I thought I hated all children. Well now after months of sponsoring I stand corrected. Turns out I only hate the children in my country. I'm wondering if this is because I have direct contact with the children in my country or if perhaps the children here are nasty, selfish, spoilt, FAT, ugly disgusting excuses for human beings. I think it may be the latter. Of course not all children are like that, some are very nice but most are just retarded!
Personally, I blame the parents here because their children didn't get like that without some guidance. Anyway I'm getting a little sidetracked and I don't want this post to turn into a generational warfare one, so back to the point.

I specifically chose Uganda because it's my favourite African continent country (yeah, I do actually have a preferred country on every continent, I know, how shallow). The Pearl of Africa, with a name like that what more could you want, plus you guys got those weird birds that look like mutant vultures. Oh and there's that really hot guy in Gulu.

Anywho so that Ugandan kid that I quite like because she isn't a brat like the kids here. Actually that could be an excellent way to advertise sponsorship. Instead of showing fly infested children they could show some erm, what would you call them? Kosher kids? You know, children who are clean and don't look like they're gonna drop dead in the next 2 seconds and then point out how much nicer they are then the kids here. And then all the parents here will be like "oh, what a lovely child" and then drop their own nasty fat children off a cliff and spend their money on a nicer child, rather then on their own retarded child (who sat around all day eating crisps and playing Xbox and who would have grown up to be a McDonald's junkie and ultimately wasted their fat retarded life). Argh! I keep getting sidetracked!

OKAY. ENOUGH!

THE $50 AND THE GOAT!

I sent and extra AUD$50 that's about USD$46 to my sponsored child. For Christmas. They bought a really hardcore pair of school shoes for her that are going to last until the day they stop playing Simpsons repeats here. A really amazing new dress that I'm a little jealous of and a goat. They also sent me a picture with said goat in it. A Goat! I love goats! It's quite a good looking goat in my opinion. Goats are awesome. I can't believe it, it's so not fair ! I always wanted a goat! And now she has a goat, where's my goat? I'm suffering from massive goat envy at the moment. Lucky kid. I always wanted a goat and what do I have? 5 cats. Hmmm maybe if I tie the cats together I could pretend they were a goat.

Oh kitties, where are you? I'm coming to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind you...

Wow, Watch that Cock Grow, I mean Crow

2008-02-14T09:52:00.003+10:00

Got a nice email today from an Osa Prusacki, the subject title you ask?

Whip out your huge manhood, and watch her squeal with delight.

Needless to say I laughed so hard I had to leave the room to check on my defrosting seaweed.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2008-02-09T21:14:00.000+10:00

What do you mean I used up my 7GB monthly limit and now I have to use normal dial up speed? It's only the 9th! You mean I'm stuck with this, this arrrgggghh!!! DIAL UP!!! This is Australia! I Demand To Have Privileged Internet!! You Fucking ISP Schmucks!! Can't you see Japan over there, you know that other island slightly north and to the right? Our closest "cool" neighbour!!!! The country with the fastest internet? Are you BLIND? Why do I only have 7GB a MONTH????

Oh, and one more thing.

John Howard, SCREW YOU!

Also,

Kevin Andrews, I'm looking forward to the day a large cube of frozen urine lands on your fat head!

Assassinations R Us

2008-02-05T18:24:00.000+10:00

When I was in high school I had a few ideas,

1) I wanted to be an assassin when I grew up, not a freelance assassin though, I wanted to be a government employed assassin, something similar to the English SAS.

2) I decided that if I had been born a boy I would have travelled the world impregnating women under a false name and would consequently be the father of a thousand bastards.

3) If I was a mother and I decided I was sick of my children I would take them on an around the world trip and "accidentally" leave them in a country. A different country for each child. I was thinking four children, so four countries would be needed, Russia, Italy, France and Holland.

Now that I'm older I've changed my mind on the third one.

Go Away Feline Face!

2008-02-01T13:23:00.001+10:00

I have a cat called Ribbon, actually I have 5 cats, used to be 6 but that one decided we weren't good enough for him so he buggered off to the neighbours who were only too happy and renamed him Sylvester and gave him a shiny collar with a bell and an ID tag. Stuck up poncy animal! Anyway Ribbon the cat I was wanting to write about is around 10 and sheds like it was going out of fashion. She's one of those cats that always wants attention ALL THE TIME!! Argh! Can't she go bother someone else! As soon as you sit down she comes swarming over with her tabby fur wanting and meowing and staring imploringly up at you and so you give in and pat her. Like right now for instance, when I was busy brushing my hair and reading Nathan's blog and I stopped patting her because you know, I actually have better things to do. Turns out ignoring her is the wrong thing to do because when I looked over at her she had the most EVIL expression I've ever seen!

I've given in again, I gave her my foot to fawn over since she has no problem being patted by my foot. Not like the other cats who are so posh they scratch me if I even dared to think about lending them my dirty foot.

:-(

2008-01-31T10:09:00.001+10:00

You finally get home and all you can do is turn the light off get into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

On an unrelated topic, where the hell is the 27th Comrade!? What about the kitten? Anyone out there know?

Oh man I'm so hungry I forgot to eat yesterday. Now I have to go scrounge around the shelves for something mildly edible. Hmm, maybe there's an egg in the fridge. Or I could eat milo, I say eat and not drink because there's no milk and I point blank refuse to have it with water.

....

I'm eating a lemon. I'll keep the egg for later.

Henna

2008-01-29T17:56:00.000+10:00

I'm dying my hair with henna. Doctor Who put it in my hair, he had loads of fun, as if you wouldn't. When DeTamble lets you anywhere near her hair with a mud like substance you know it's going to be a good day. I'm a little nazi about my hair, I don't like people touching it and I also can quite happily spend several hours with a pair of scissors cutting out split ends. Split ends are the bane of my existence. Well, not quite, but they are the most shallow bane of my existence. Did I escape the depth vs. shallowness hole then?

Why am I putting mud (henna) in my hair? I like red. I can't help it, red hair just does it for me, that and blue eyes and black skin. Pity that combination in one person would probably look kind of weird and is almost a genetic impossibility. Oh well, I've got two sorted at least, I'm about to have red hair, my bf (The Doctor) has blue eyes and I can just perve on my Afri mates, not like I'm not doing that already.

I would just like to take a moment for some public gloating. To Kevin Andrews, my vote did count, SUCKER!!!, I hope you like unemployment.

An old customer today tipped his hat at me and all military like asked me for "permission to leave" after he'd finished paying and for half a second I had no idea what to do, until I remember the 1001 war related movies and tv shows I've seen. "Permission granted" I said, and he tipped his hat and off he went. Have I mentioned recently that I find customers strange?

I bought a curling iron today.

A couple of weeks ago I was walking home in the rain and it was pitch black, could hardly see in front of me. In fact almost all I could see was the a slight shimmering on the puddles. And me being me I absolutely had to jump in each one of those puddles. So there I was, late at night bouncing around in puddles on my way home humming quietly to myself when BAM!! I bounced right into someone. Anyway, I screamed, in surprise obviously and then I couldn't even see the person I walked into, until I looked up and there was a pair of eyes staring down at me!! Turned out to be some 7 foot something African guy. I said sorry for walking into him, that I hadn't seen him because the puddles were shiny and distracting and also because he was as black as the night and that he had scared the shit outa me when I had walked into him and that I was awfully sorry and then he opened his mouth with his shiny white glowing in the dark teeth and his lamplight eyes and laughed and laughed at me.