Thursday, 18 October 2007


I hate customers! I work in hell! Simply put, I am a check out a Australian supermarket. It sucks, on many, many, many levels. Most of the time I wish the customers would a) drop dead, b) die very soon or c) die even sooner! Of course I don't wish this upon all customers, some I like, actually some I like immensely and they cheer up my day. But not those other ones...

Things customers did today that PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Fuck off lady, don't bring that trolley through express, can't you read the huge lit up sign that says "Only Hand baskets"?!?!?!?! Did you forget how to read? Or do you think you get special privileges cause you're a dumb arse?
2. What do you mean you need two plastic bags?!?! You bought JUICE and it already has a HANDLE! ARE YOU BLIND?! And yes they will fit in one bag without breaking.
Lady: "Oh but I have to walk up a hill" WTF does a hill have to do with anything? Are you swinging the bag around your head as you walk? I mean seriously why do you need a bag, let alone TWO! Lazy bitch, I hope that Zeus strikes you down with his shiny lightning bolts for being a retarded Earth killer! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!
3.a. LISTEN UP OLD PEOPLE! Once you put your shopping on the conveyor belt don't keep touching it! Leave it alone! STOP TOUCHING IT! It's irritating to the extreme! Stop pushing things at me. Every time you push things forward you fuck it up for everyone else. See the laser, can you see it? It's the shiny thing! Every time there is nothing in front of it it moves the belt forward so that the person behind you has more room to place their items upon it. Every time you move your stuff it means the conveyor belt doesn't move and then there's that big gap of unfilled space between your food and where the next person began putting theres. And that someone else is a lot smarter then you and knows that the belt moves by itself and not to push your items forward. I don't care if you don't understand. Just go read a magazine! Or just go FUCK OFF!! Or better yet go away and die. Whatever you do just don't touch the stuff.
3.b. Don't touch other people's stuff either!
4. If you're too old to shop and all you do is whinge, whine and take fooooorevvvveeerrrrrr to get one thing out of the trolley, then don't shop. Buy online! I know you own a computer because your children bought one for you. And obviously you have a telephone line, because no old person is without that vital connection to their dear, darling children. SO put two and two together and shop online, or get your grandkids to do it for you. But just go away, seriously, please, go away.
5. Too all the old perverts out there, my breasts are not for you to stare at, especially not like that. By all means take a quick covert glance but DO NOT stare blatantly at them and not once look at my face! It is DISGUSTING! And I happily wish death upon every one of you. And I'm sure I'll get my wish because summer is coming, and they do say this will be the worst summer, ever. And everyone knows what an Australian summer means for the oldies...
6. MONEY DOES NOT STICK TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Don't put money on the conveyor belt you stupid, stupid, stupid fuckface!!
8. Yes I can see that, indeed, those are bananas... you don't need to tell me the point blank, yelling in your face, bright yellow obvious.
9. People, use the dividers. Don't sneak them in behind someone else's shopping. Leave a nice gap. See, it goes like this. Shopping -- (6 inches) {div} (6 inches) -- Shopping. Get it? Stop screwing me over and learn to use a divider intelligently. It's not rocket science people, dividers = happiness.

You may think I dislike old people after reading this. And you're right I do dislike them, well most of them. However I do like the smart ones who realise the damage a plastic bag does, can count, say something nice or don't talk at all, realise that spitting on your fingers and then handing me money is gross, know conveyor belts move and therefore don't put money on it and most importantly don't stare at my tits and demand respect because they happen to be older than I am. And that doesn't just go for oldies (though they are the main perpetrators) it goes for all of you irritating, slimy, bitchy, dumb, environmentally retarded people out there. Everyone else is fine and you will be given service with a smile.

1 comment: