Monday, 5 May 2008

Ash Angel

I feel lost today. I woke up confused, the Weather is fucking with my mind. I even heard a rooster crowing for the first time since I was a small child living in the middle-of-no-where-Australia.

Ginger came over this afternoon, she said she is quitting work, I understand why, the place we work is horrible. The only reason I stay is because it's hard for children to find jobs here that will allow you the flexible hours to study. Ginger doesn't study, she lives at home, has every need catered for and pays nothing. I envy her, I dream of quitting but then the sharp reality that I would be left standing in line at a homeless shelter, hoping that tonight, maybe there will be room for me. Some days I wish that someone would come in with a gun and just shoot me so I never have to go back to that place.

The thought of her leaving me alone in that place is depressive. Amby left last month. Bee is still there but we aren't allowed to speak to each other any more because the new boss is a psycho.
And Tom, he has become a know-it-all workaholic who has sold his soul to 'the company' and it disgusts me and in turn he despises Ginger and I for daring to dislike and disregard 'the company'.

After she left I went for a walk, the smoke is gone and I'm missing it intensely. I don't know why though, it seems stupid to miss. Normally I walk along the main road but today I turned left and went straight into the bush. I don't know where I went exactly, I walked for hours, mainly through overgrown spiky grass and dried, broken branches. My legs are covered in scratches and my feet were black with soot. I found where the fire had been, I felt like making an ash angel but that would have been silly. Instead I went down to the dried creek bed and dug a hole in the gravel until a long black snake came by and I vacated. I climbed a tree instead and swung upside down from a branch until I got bored and wandered along the storm water pipe for a kilometre. Eventually I found a house that bordered the creek and crept through their back yard and back onto a street. I don't know why I went exploring, it just made me feel worse, lonely and wondering what happened to all those children I used to play with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved so often as a kid, I am 19 and I have lived in 18 different houses and one of those houses I lived in for four years. We moved so often I was rarely enrolled in a school and spent most of my time playing alone by whichever creek was nearest to my house.

I'm feeling dead today and it certainly wasn't helped by your email. You there, with the glasses and short hair, you know who you are. Revenge, don't do it. I'll never forgive you and I will never speak to you again, though maybe you would like the no speaking part and if so, just say and I will be out. Gone. Like I never existed.


  1. *throws arms wide open*

    There, there. A paining post (or thereabouts) does move me. Cold though I am, it does move me.

  2. *curls up in them* Are you sure you are cold? You feel quite warm and is that a heart beat I can hear? I thought yours was made of stone. :-)

  3. slowly backs away... doesnt want to spoil the moment...

  4. what did i just walk into?

    the ash angel is sad. bullies dear?

    show them to me so that i may take out a few teeth.

  5. @Tandra: Oh my, I guess that was a moment. Backs away too...

    @31337: Bully, not really. But the person is making me sad and I don't know what I've done either but they've been threatening revenge on me. Though I'd still stand in front of them if someone was threatening to take out a few of their teeth. But thanks anyway 31337, I'll keep it in mind! :-)

  6. eish Det, no one is allowed to feel this sappy.what's gotten into you? i am feeling sad for you, and that is a bad think to evoke in me. stop now.

  7. @Tandra
    Back into me, coz i was doing the same thing.

    Nice, deep,

  8. @Antipop: No idea what has gotten into me but it better not last too much longer or I'm going to have to ask one of you to shoot me because it's starting to annoy me!!

    @Princess: Would you like to slap me? I feel like I could use some pain so I stop thinking like this!

    @B2B: I would say thanks but under the circumstances I'm more inclined to ask if you own a gun, I think I nice life or death situation would make me feel a whole lot better :-D

  9. Poor DeTamble. I too, know the pains of work for 'the company'. BUT!! Remember my dear, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

    For I have left 'the company' by giving an hour and a half's notice (they shoulda put me part time like i asked), then went to the beach.

    'The company' are pricks, and they don't deserve someone as awesome of you. Flee before 'the comany' crushes your spirit, and spits you out a cold, hard cynic like it did partially to me. Three and a half years was way to long for That Place.

  10. @Dom: Yeah! I can't believe you managed to escape like that! It was fucking impressive!!! HAHAHA! An hour and half! And I know you are telling the truth, and it's making me so jealous!!

    They won't crush me! More likely to fire me :-D