Ash Angel

I feel lost today. I woke up confused, the Weather is fucking with my mind. I even heard a rooster crowing for the first time since I was a small child living in the middle-of-no-where-Australia.

Ginger came over this afternoon, she said she is quitting work, I understand why, the place we work is horrible. The only reason I stay is because it's hard for children to find jobs here that will allow you the flexible hours to study. Ginger doesn't study, she lives at home, has every need catered for and pays nothing. I envy her, I dream of quitting but then the sharp reality that I would be left standing in line at a homeless shelter, hoping that tonight, maybe there will be room for me. Some days I wish that someone would come in with a gun and just shoot me so I never have to go back to that place.

The thought of her leaving me alone in that place is depressive. Amby left last month. Bee is still there but we aren't allowed to speak to each other any more because the new boss is a psycho.
And Tom, he has become a know-it-all workaholic who has sold his soul to 'the company' and it disgusts me and in turn he despises Ginger and I for daring to dislike and disregard 'the company'.

After she left I went for a walk, the smoke is gone and I'm missing it intensely. I don't know why though, it seems stupid to miss. Normally I walk along the main road but today I turned left and went straight into the bush. I don't know where I went exactly, I walked for hours, mainly through overgrown spiky grass and dried, broken branches. My legs are covered in scratches and my feet were black with soot. I found where the fire had been, I felt like making an ash angel but that would have been silly. Instead I went down to the dried creek bed and dug a hole in the gravel until a long black snake came by and I vacated. I climbed a tree instead and swung upside down from a branch until I got bored and wandered along the storm water pipe for a kilometre. Eventually I found a house that bordered the creek and crept through their back yard and back onto a street. I don't know why I went exploring, it just made me feel worse, lonely and wondering what happened to all those children I used to play with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved so often as a kid, I am 19 and I have lived in 18 different houses and one of those houses I lived in for four years. We moved so often I was rarely enrolled in a school and spent most of my time playing alone by whichever creek was nearest to my house.

I'm feeling dead today and it certainly wasn't helped by your email. You there, with the glasses and short hair, you know who you are. Revenge, don't do it. I'll never forgive you and I will never speak to you again, though maybe you would like the no speaking part and if so, just say and I will be out. Gone. Like I never existed.