Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Butts, Booty and Suicide Ledges

I had a conversation yesterday night with three people, a dreadlocked man, a Vietnamese chick and a Brazilian guy. The DL turned to me and asked, very randomly, if I liked Alicia Keys. I said yes, she's nice. And he asked if I thought she had booty? Then in piped the other girl and guy and the conversation got so out of hand I almost cried with laughter.

I don't remember much of the conversation since I was grappling with a painful laughing stitch and trying to get enough oxygen so that I didn't suffocate! But the small parts I can recall went something like this:

J-Lo does not actually have booty. It may look like she does, but if you take a close look it's all hips. SHE HAS MASSIVE CHILD BEARING HIPS!!! And so her butt looks huge because it has to cover those wide, wide hips. But of course that stance really depends on your personal booty view point. In our conversation it was agreed that no, J-Lo does not in fact have booty. What she does have is curves, wide hips and a personal trainer to get that butt into shape. Because without it her butt wouldn't be booty, if it is even that, it would just be wide.

Why have we decided she doesnt' have booty? Because to have real booty your butt must be high! Also, everyone is claiming to have booty these days. It's Hollywood hype. Booty sells. And we don't think booty should be handed to every Tom, Dick and No-Talent Harry who a record label assigned a trainer to, to work their butt into a deceptive booty so they could make some money.

And of course once we got past the shallow Hollywood Booty we got onto real butts and booty.
I was practically in tears by this time so it was mainly the two guys who were speaking.
They said that guys like butts, but no kidding, everyone likes butts. They said what they were looking for in a butt was something they could grab. Round, a little plump, prefferably a little toned. A butt that has been taken care of, smooth, warm, oval, none of that square flat, neglected stuff! They said Booty is a term that gets thrown around far too often, which is very irresponsible. See, real Booty, it has to be high! High and round and plump! And this is something only some girls have. But then we got totally distracted by the high aspect Booty must have, in our opinion. Because African boys have some of the highest butts in existence! Have you seen them??

The Vietnamese girl chimes in with a tale of the African man on her bus who had such a high butt she though he should be offering to carry her home on it. Like a perch. Dreadlocks started miming some ridiculous stuff about African mens butts. But all I can remember was that he made a joke about reaching for his wallet and simply reached a couple of inches over his shoulder, as though his butt was so high that's all it took to get to his back pocket. But he's not far off, so I said when I regained my breath, I know a Nigerian boy and his butt is so high is like a fucking ledge!

DL - Ledge? Ha! Some of their butts are so high people will start commiting suicide off them!


  1. i am not going to laugh. much as i am getting constipated tryuing to hold the laughter inside of me. and that is because one day i will marry an african man. and i will not have them fing out about my past life of days when i used to laugh at high butts.

  2. kwonka antipop rekiraho okuba ekitini...

    detamble, since you are going to be a.k.a omuramba and thus part of our tribe, just telling that madam to stop being a coward...

    your post has just made me laugh hard... yeah, african men have nice butts and african women have the best booties in the world... actually ugandan women. you will see the proof when you get here...

  3. DeTambs
    u have no idea what Ugandan women are capable of...
    J-Lo is a late bloomer in this whol boooty debate...

    and i am a huge huge fan.... of Ugandan Women and all their booty-licious-ness

    but the part that broke my back was the suicide part!

  4. booty uncorrupted it has got to be uncorrupted!no firmness because it has to swing, sway be soft so no tightening coz then it stops being booty!uncorrupted ugandan style.

  5. @Antipop: Hey Dimples, guess what...HIGH BUTT!!! And tight. Could be a trampoline even :P

    @Sybella: You tell her! I like the fact that it's Ugandan women that have the best booty. Screw those other Africans, Ugandans all they way I suppose. And you're right, I will see the proof when I'm there. There'll be so much proof I won't know where to perve! So many perving opportunities! I may just have a mild heart attack! You may have to catch me, or maybe slap my face.

    @B2B: It broke my back too, I was doubled over gasping for air. Ugandan women...yes, yes I'm sure they is luverly! So lovely I'll develop an inferiority complex and become a hermit and quit blogging and wish I were dead. And that was said with no sarcasm, I'm actually being reasonably serious. They're that good. It's fucking depressing.

    @Leo: Can it bounce as well as sway?

  6. I like Vida Guerra... is that okay?

  7. *jaw drops* OMG! YOU CAN SO LIKE HER! HOLY FUCK!!!! Lemme just go scrape my jaw off the floor now...

  8. a post a bout booty. fucking brilliant. was laughing my head off. what was said about your lil one?

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