Papa Ian

To my Daddy, I love you and I miss you, oh and you look awful sexy as a French prostitute...

So this is my father, the one on the left. Honestly 31337, he's the one with facial hair, you were half asleep when you asked me that weren't you? The other is a girl called Zeshi! And she's about the coolest person, EVER! Sorry Antipop, you may have been outdone, but no one's got a smile like yours. Savage, what's the difference between a father and a daddy? Or were you thinking that I meant he's my sugar daddy?


Can you see the family resemblance? He's not my biological father, who knows where that git is but he's the one who brought me up and he's the one who I share my deep love of mirrors with. We're both utterly vain. Hugely. I mean if you ever thought for a moment that you were vain, well I'm sorry to say but compared with us, you're not. In fact, when we walk down the street together we pause in front of every, and I mean EVERY single shop window and gaze at our reflections and we get particularly annoyed when the glass isn't spotless, since it makes it harder for us to shed our adoring gaze upon ourselves.

Cheri, you're right, my father is HOT! People think he's my boyfriend and their mouths quite literally drop when I'm introduced as his daughter. And every single time, without fail they say 'I didn't know you had a daughter! Surely you're too young to have a grown child! :-o'

His name is Liao Wen Xian, eat your heart out Comrade! Oh and Comrade, I'll bring you my book of Chinese characters when I swing by but before I hand it over you will concede that I am right about Tibet and you are completely and utterly wrong and you will kneel, on the dirt, and beg my forgiveness for being a total prat! And then you may have the book.

Mugabe Hijacked My Phone

So there I was, sleeping happily when an envy inducing text was sent my way at 2:27am. I'd just like to thank my ever so thoughtful friend for waking me. Awfully kind of you. I will get you back, just you wait, when you least expect it....

Well, actually it's a good thing you woke me because half an hour later, that makes it 3am for those of you who can't do simple arithmetic, Tapiwa showed up. At 3am! I heard the door slide open and someone creeping along the hall way. If this had been a few years ago I would have been freaking out, thinking it was a robber/rapist/psycho but over the past year I seem to have befriended people who have no concept of appropriate visiting times (or appropriate texting times!). I sat up in bed and watched the doorway, waiting to see which of my inconsiderate friends it was going to be, only I couldn't see anyone but I knew they were there.

DeT - "Hi Taps"
T - "How did you know it was me?!"
DeT - "Erm, 'cause I can't see you..."
T - "Ohh..."
DeT - "So, did you want something, or did you just miss me?"
T - "Actually, umm, sorry, I was wondering if I could use your phone?"
DeT - *raises eyebrows* "So you drove all the way over here at 3am just to use the telephone."

He walked into my room, how he made it to the bed without stepping on anything I'll never know, and sat down. I pressed my phone so I could see him. Poor baby boy, he looked so stressed and tired.

T - "I need to call home and my home phone won't call international and I got no airtime left"
DeT - *rolls eyes* "When do you ever!" *sighs and slides out of bed* "Yeah, wait here I'll go get the phone, you got a calling card?"
T - "No."
DeT - "Eh, no matter, I'll just show you the bill when it comes"
T - "Thanks."

So I brought in the phone and gave it to him and snuggled back under the doona. He lay on top of my bed and called his dad for over an hour. He can't find his mum, the phone kept saying all the lines were down in the area and he's stressing out because of the election. Later in the morning I asked him why he'd come all the way over here, why didn't he use a closer friends phone?

T - "Because I knew you were the only person who wouldn't give me the third degree for showing up that late. Oh and 'cause I knew the door would be open."

Ahhhhh, nice thought that.

Lack of Sex Scenes on SBS Is Like Being In Hell

You'll all be so proud of me! I scammed food off my friends and I didn't even have to tell them. Ahhhhh, the joys of having rich friends. One of them even has a pool... :D

Megs bought me a Hot Chocolate with a shot of Hazelnut from Starbucks in return for me being her make up model last night. In other words I sat on a chair while she put Napoleon make up on me for her exam, she's becoming a makeup artist. It was cool! I love green eyeshadow! And then I went to Bee's inercity apartment, I love it there! It was her 21st birthday celebration. I ate fairy bread (my favourite), chips, soft drink, snakes (lollies), freckles (chocolates with hundreds and thousands), crackers and coffee. And then she went to sleep at about 1am after we watched a Finish movie on SBS! I was so dissapointed, there was no sex scene! SBS, NOT FUCKING COOL! How dare you show a movie with no sex scene! I was counting on you for some breasts! Bunch of SBS wankers, if I wasn't so lazy I'd write you a damn letter of complaint!!!!!!!!!! So Neran, her boyfriend and I ran around the apartment picking up rubbish and the rest of the crackers and leant out her balcony window and threw things into the street, from the 24th floor. It was hilarious and afterwards we ran down and picked up some more rubbish off the street, since we'd run out of our own, and went back up and threw it all down again. We were aiming for people, cars and trying in vain to get some of it in the pool. No luck with the pool, but nevermind. And when I was leaving there this morning I pinched a packet of noodles, so I'm all set for breakfast :-)

Today, I'm going to have my first Laser Hair Removal appointment. If you can guess where I'm getting it done I'll even post and tell you if it hurt. Here's a hint, 'I like looking like a 12 year old'.

Got Rice?

I want to write. I want to tell someone what is going on, but half the things are secrets and the other half I don't understand.

I keep too many secrets. I've been writing them down recently and there are a lot. Odd things, little things, big things, I never told. Although I have actually told some, along the way I would tell a person. Just one, maybe two people. Random people. People who don't have a connection to my family. Do they still count as secrets if I have told a person? Are they then shared secrets? See GUG, this is why you think I am open, because I tell things, but it is a trick. If you tell someone something that most people would want to keep a secret then they think you are being honest. And if they think you are honest then they will never think you may be hiding something else, something more important, something that will get you screamed at and hurt.

Talking of shared secrets I made a plan, it's a nice plan, it contains just the right amount of long term complications. I've told some people what it is, well, I've told them little parts of it. Just small bits, I needed some advice plus it keeps them happy, makes them think they're special to be included. But I ommitted something, several things actually, but one really important fact. A really important fact that if this plan doesn't work I could actually be screwed for, well, not life, but a seriously long time!

So here's something that you may know and that my friends and family may not know. Part of my plan included a list of importance, and on that list food came in last. It's an interesting way to lose weight, though I'm not sure I wanted to. I'm not fat but I'm not exactly a stick either. My doctor says I'm the perfect weight. Not for long though. I look in the mirror and I can see my ribs, they don't poke through but I can still see them. And my shoulder blades, I haven't seen them looking that bony since I was eleven. I've lost 4kg in two weeks. I'm a little hungry. I only had $5 left so all I could afford was some rice. Thank goodness I'm going to visit my friend Bee tomorrow night. It's her 21st and we're all going over there to get wasted! And me, I'll be thieving food from her fridge. That's not to say I'm not appreciative of rice, 1cup has lasted me three days but I'm bored. As soon as I get paid again I'm going to buy some peas and tamari (soy sauce) to make the rice more entertaining for my taste buds. And some more rice. There was only that one cup left and it's all gone now, I'm hungry.

Cheri and The BHH

@Cheri: I guess things are alright, I dunno, I can't really work out if they are or not :-|

BHH! You lucky snobby nosed people who are going, TAKE SOME DAMN PICTURES! Specifically of Antipop....and Carlo, we want more of kuchu Ivan.

Penny For A Picture?

My ex boyfriend in Denmark's mum had a baby a few weeks ago. I feel obliged to post some pictures! Well, one of her and some of other things, mainly because I'm feeling very homesick for Danelania! I don't know her name yet, she hasn't been Christened so she has no name officially. I think it is Julie though, born May 22nd.


I am happy to report that Aalborg Burger King, that's Hungry Jacks to the rest of my Australian horde, have the best burgers of any fast food joint I have ever been to! And you get tomato sauce in little paper cups! HEAVEN!


Danes have strange houses. Nice, but strange. And POTATOES! Oh dear god! I had enough damn potatoes to last me to kingdom come! I could have drowned in the fucking things!

WildeYearnings: Going pink like this is not something I have ever done, even though I live in what equates to a sunny oven. Though I have shaved my head before just like this boy here.


And since I'm posting photos, here's a nice Australian one.


Now! Go Get The Fuck Back To Work!

Fuel Watch

I keeping hearing that Australians swear, a lot. I didn't really think this was true because I hear other people from other countries swearing too. But I've just seen a new ad on TV, it's an ad from a leading political group in Australia. Maybe we do swear more, or maybe it's just more socially acceptable because even our politicians swear, on TV, in interviews, every day.

Watch the ad, it only goes for 30 seconds, so if you click now, it should be done by lunch time.
Tell me, do your government ads swear too? Also note, we don't beep swear words on TV, the beeping on these words is done as a joke.

FUEL WATCH

Rest In Peace Little Ones

Just thought I'd add that it turns out the twins, 18 month olds, were dead for 9 days in their crib before the eldest sibling, 11, noticed a bad smell coming from the room. One weighed 4kg and the other even less, they starved to death. They were a little on the decomposed side...

The mother said in court "maybe I should have fed them more". Ha! No kidding!

--

On another note I just did something rather insane. Much more insane than normal. I'm not going to tell you because you'll all think I'm an idiot, more than you already do. All I can say is I hope to fuck this works! Otherwise I am oh-so-screwed!

Neighbour 'fed siblings of dead twins'

Police found the bodies of the twin boy and girl at a house in Sunnybank Hills, in Brisbane's south, around 7pm (AEST) on Monday.

Post-mortem examinations were to be carried out on the children on Tuesday.

It is understood three older siblings have been taken away by child safety workers to another residence.

A 28-year-old man and a 30-year-old woman were to appear in Brisbane Magistrates Court on Tuesday, charged with failing to provide the necessities of life.

Neighbour Nyakong Maying told AAP she had lived in the same street as the family for five years and sometimes gave food to the children in the family.

"The youngest boy (a four-year-old boy) comes over here and says `I need something to eat, I'm hungry'," Ms Maying said.

"When they came here about four months ago I give them some snacks or fruit with my children but after that I stopped it."

Ms Maying, who came to Australia from Sudan, said she never saw the parents.

"I never see the mother or the father also, I just see the kids because they come around my house," she said.

Another neighbour, Fiona Ma (Ma), said she had noticed a boy aged three or four who was allowed to run around the neighbourhood unsupervised.

"I feel confused because (the) parents are not attending to him," Ms Ma told AAP.

"He's so young and he just runs in the street."

--

I hope the parents go to jail! What a horrible thing to do.

Antipop

Grrrrrrr. I don't like Australians, they're boring, not only that but they don't like me because I wasn't raised to be a good Australian. I don't do Australian things, mostly because I think they're just plain stupid and I don't agree with what the 'Aussies' think. Yes I know there are 'millions of aussies' but most of them piss me off and the other 'millions of aussies' are immigrants who don't piss me off. So obviously I'm going with the people who don't piss me off. Goddamn it Antipop, your comment is irritating! I didn't do it on purpose, in fact I was even reluctant to be friends with them. Perhaps I should write more about my non-Zimbabwean friends. Would you like to hear about the Italians? Danes? Lithuanians? Serbians? Welsh? English? Scottish? Irish? German? French? Saudi? Sri Lanka? Kenya? Eritrea? South African? Chinese? Japanese? Tibetan? Nepalese? Indian? Nigerian? Samoa? Maltese? Iraq? Iran? Afghanistan? Botswana? Egypt? Brazil? Korea? Sweden? Iceland? Norway? Czech? Ghana? Singapore? Thailand? Sudan? Finland? Poland? Russia? New Zealand? Islander? Palestine? So the Zimbabweans just happen to be the newest, literally only been in the country since March. Very new. You move to a new country you need friends from that country. Who else is going to be able to bail you out of jail at the crack of dawn and still be coherent enough to argue with the Police? It just so happens that out of the millions of Australians I happen to be amongst the nicest, isn't that a scary thought? I believe they call it 'approachability', so I have a lot of friends from other countries. I just happened to blog about the Zims because I'm still getting used to them. I could tell you about what I got up to last week with the Sri Lankans, but since those things were illegal I figured rice was more acceptable.

Hmph and now I've eaten all the mango flavoured tofu. I should have bought more.

And the blogroll is full of Ugandans because I was curious about Ugandans, since I waste money on one. It could have been full of Kenyans, but Kenyans scare me. And I don't want to be officially adopted. I'm happy skipping blithely from one country to another. And if I specifically sided with one country what would all my other friends do? I can't be Ugandan and Sri Lankan and Australian and Chinese and Danish all at once. I don't have enough limbs for everyone!

And one last thing. For Carlo and Antipop and Sybella and everyone else who keeps bringing this up. There is nothing going on with Rev and I. Honestly, we're just messing with you because we can and because it's fun. The only thing going on with us is that one day it occurred to us that posting at each other in other peoples comments was probably not that greatest idea. So we moved it to our respective inboxes. And there we scream, yell and rage at each other on all sorts of things. The last one was about Tibet and his stupid opinions and complete ignorance of Tibetan culture. And no, Rev is not Hunk. And no, despite what GUG may think, I won't be marrying Rev. Of all people. Oh and I know African men are lazy slobs, which is why I could never marry one. NOTHING WOULD EVER GET DONE! If we had children they'd starve to death because no one would ever feed them!

Which is why I'm going to marry a total neat freak (to clean) and who is also a chef (to feed me) and who is rich (for a nanny or boarding school) and I think this cuts out almost every single man except maybe someone from Berlin.

EDIT: Crap! I forgot the Philippines. Please, Kirsty, Caitlin, leave the pitchfork at home, I'm sorry.

31337 Infected Me

I got flu and I is blaming 31337, cause you were the first person I knew that had it this flu season! You gone and infected me! Thanks :-D I scored days off work! YAY!

Today I made rice! I cooked! I cooked rice! And I didn't screw up either! Can you believe that? I actually cooked something. Something edible! I am so damn proud! :-D I MADE FOOD! Real food. Not just a sandwich. I didn't just pick bits off the shelf and out of the fridge. I actually used the stove! Now, this may not seem all that amazing to you, but to me this is a huge thing! I can't cook. I don't know how. In fact you immigrants, you 'off the boat'ers with your fancy shmancy cooking skills, you can just shut up! Most Australian children who were born here can't cook. We just don't know how. Our mothers tried to teach us but it just didn't work. I've had many many many cooking lessons with my mother, I just can't do it. But today I did.

I was with some of the Zimbabwean children and the subject of cooking came up and I was given so much shit from them because I can't cook. It wasn't fair! They picked on me hardcore and there was no other Australian child there for backup! Not only was there no other Australian, there was no other White child. Can you say minority? And when I get annoyed I tend to blush and I was thinking 'Fuck, I'm never going to live this one down'. Fucking Zims! Aint you ever heard of giving someone a break? Okay so I can't cook. I accept that. But must you tease me just because you can't blush? And quit poking my cheeks when it happens! And don't make me fucking laugh either! It'll never go away then, can't you just let me regain some composure?

I got pushed into cooking. I had to make the rice for lunch. I was scared. You Africans can be awfully menacing, you know that!?!? They all stood in the kitchen watching me and refused to help. I called my mother begging for instruction to cook rice. That Cow wouldn't stop laughing! MOTHERFUCK! But she told me and I followed them. And it worked. I cooked rice. It was amazing.

What wasn't amazing was when I got home and gave my mother a blow-by-blow account. Think boys giving a detailed account of the soccer match they just won. It was detailed. There was action replay (no I didn't cook again, not that much action, sheesh). And when I was done, actually she cut me off, she said 'That's wonderful DeTamble, now that you've done the first step I'm going to teach you lots of things to cook."

DeT: What? WHY?
Ma: Every women needs to know how to cook, it's a very important part of being a woman
DeT: WTF?
Ma: You need to know how to cook for your husband.
DeT: Wha? I thought we were talking about rice, where did the husband come from?!?! And don't call me a woman!
Ma: Well, I'm worried about you. You're about to pull your usual disappearing act and I don't think you'll be coming back again for a long time. What if you meet someone, he's going to expect that you'll know how to cook!
DeT: WHAT? What are you talking about? You're insane! I don't need to know how to cook!! And what do you mean I'm pulling my usual disappearing act? And I don't need to cook! I'll live off things that don't require cooking, like pineapples! Also Ma, I'm not stupid, I'd never date a man who can't cook. I don't want him bitching at me about him being hungry. He can go cook for himself. Lazy wanker. *mutters*

Okay, before you all start thinking I'm some spoilt brat who has always been cooked for, it's not true. In fact most days I either go hungry or I just eat things that don't require cooking. Like a carrot, or a piece of bread, or 2min noodles.

Ma: You need to know how to cook Tambles! Stop being so difficult! Forget the husband for now, but one day you're going to want to be able to impress someone with your cooking skills. And you will learn before you leave.
DeT: (feeling a little guilty but still not wanting to ever really go into a kitchen again) I'm coming back. Plenty of time to teach me then...
Ma: I doubt it. I know you. I know it was a fluke you came back last time, I doubt you'll be back for a long time.
DeT: *fidgets*
Ma: And what are you going to do about Uni? How are you supposed to study when you're not even in the country?
DeT: Off campus? I don't know! I'll talk to my Uni, maybe I'll just defer....
Ma: I don't see why you can't just be happy here like other people, why are you always so desperate to leave?

And this is why I will never learn to cook. Because every time cooking and me are mentioned together it leads to conversations that I do not want and do not know the answers to.

Trapped On The Internet

I love the internet. The way you can just stumble across things. Though, this is one of the times I'd rather not have stumbled. I'd rather not have read. It was painful.

Here.

Bed Time!! Whoooooo!

I am back! I am so back!! I still have some Uni stuff left but nothing pressing!

Did you all miss me?!? Huh? Huh?!? HUH?!?! You better have missed me you bunch of...of...of...erm, bunch of bed owners.

Bed owners? Well I too own a bed, though this past two months I really haven't spend much time in it. Where have I been sleeping? Well, like all good Australian teenagers I sleep pretty much anywhere!

Places I have slept since my blogging slowed:

Park Bench.
In a tree.
On a wall.
Amongst large tree roots.
Under a picnic table.
On a roof.
On a car bonnet, this was a particularly nice one. My friend and I would wake up when we were cold and turn the car on to warm us for a while.
A kitchen bench.
On a dining room table.
Couch.
Armchair.
Under a desk a Uni.
In a hallway at Uni, with my head resting on a tome entitled The Oxford History of Islam.
Curled up with some friends on a bed.
Curled up with some friends on the floor.
A bus stop.
In a blanket (what a luxury that was) beside my friends bed.

And my all time favourite in a cardboard box. Yes folks, you read that one right. In a cardboard box which some of the homeless people very kindly lent me down by the river.

Normally I wouldn't write this but I know for a fact my mother no longer pops by my blog so I think it's safe to say where I've really been when I say I've been sleeping at my friends houses.

Why have I been sleeping in these places, because, I just have and that's all you need to know.
Oh alright, it's because:
No spare $30 for a cab ride home.
Missed last bus.
Night Rider doesn't run on weekdays.
Have pulled an all nighter at Uni and was napping at about 4am under desks and in hall ways waiting for the first bus out.
And obviously on some occasions I was either too wasted or too tired to bother going home and thought it was just a better idea to sleep where I was. Hence the trees, parks and the wall.

And some one said I'd never survive more than a month in Africa, pfft fuck off! If I can happily sleep in a cardboard box I'm sure I'll be fine in Africa. Oh yes, I'm coming to a BHH before the end of the year. Do you think I can shag a boda driver? They look pretty seedy, reckon they'd be up for it?

I love my Uni!!

I'm in the computer room at Uni right this second eavesdropping into a conversation between 4 Zim girls, it's the weirdest fucking convo I think I've ever heard.

They're in the early to mid 20s and they're saying they need to find a little brother to get married to. Like a 17yr old and one girl is asking another girl how old her younger brother is and how long he has been in Australia for. He's only 16, apparently that is too young though. I don't really see much difference between a 17yr old boy and a 16yr old boy...

Some girl is dating a 28yr old but she said she wants a younger boy cause they're easier (I don't understand that).

This is fucking hilarious!!

Also THIS is so damn true! Alright, so I don't know if this would really make White people love you but I do know that any guy I date should totally be up for playing stupid games like that. I love playing Tag and Hide-and-Seek. And god I haven't played Red Rover in fucking forever!! I forgot how much fun it is!!

I WANT TO PLAY RED ROVER!!!! Come play with me! It'll be fuuuuuuuuuun!!!!

Is It Over Yet?

You are nosy. I heard what you were saying in the car. Tsk. Tsk.

I'm coming back soon. I promise. I sorry 31337, I know it's what I said last week but this time I'm serious. I shall be home soon! Back to irritate you all!! Or one of you could do me a favour and kill me.

I've been wishing that someone would kill me. Not anything nasty, just a nice quick death, like a gun shot to the head or a stab wound to the chest. I'm sure the pain and subsequent death would be much more enjoyable than working 11 hour days and then studying until 3am every single day for the last month. I'm so tired that it feels like there are spiders crawling under my skin sometimes. I'm so tired I failed to realise it was raining, even though I was getting soaked. I'm so tired I was standing in the massive freezer at work and I felt warm. I'm so tired I think I'm dreaming writing this. I'm sure I'm actually in a hospital bed in a coma.

Sometimes I get a spare moment to look in the mirror and it scares me. I'm ridiculously and frighteningly pale and have the blackest circles under my eyes. I look like a heroin addict and I wish I was right now.

As soon as Uni is done, my last exam is June 20th, I am going to get extremely wasted and take as many fucking drugs as I can get my naughty grasping hands on!!!!!!!!!!

So, until I come back officially, here is a picture of me I took in April, when I was happy. Yes, my room is bright orange.