31337 Infected Me

I got flu and I is blaming 31337, cause you were the first person I knew that had it this flu season! You gone and infected me! Thanks :-D I scored days off work! YAY!

Today I made rice! I cooked! I cooked rice! And I didn't screw up either! Can you believe that? I actually cooked something. Something edible! I am so damn proud! :-D I MADE FOOD! Real food. Not just a sandwich. I didn't just pick bits off the shelf and out of the fridge. I actually used the stove! Now, this may not seem all that amazing to you, but to me this is a huge thing! I can't cook. I don't know how. In fact you immigrants, you 'off the boat'ers with your fancy shmancy cooking skills, you can just shut up! Most Australian children who were born here can't cook. We just don't know how. Our mothers tried to teach us but it just didn't work. I've had many many many cooking lessons with my mother, I just can't do it. But today I did.

I was with some of the Zimbabwean children and the subject of cooking came up and I was given so much shit from them because I can't cook. It wasn't fair! They picked on me hardcore and there was no other Australian child there for backup! Not only was there no other Australian, there was no other White child. Can you say minority? And when I get annoyed I tend to blush and I was thinking 'Fuck, I'm never going to live this one down'. Fucking Zims! Aint you ever heard of giving someone a break? Okay so I can't cook. I accept that. But must you tease me just because you can't blush? And quit poking my cheeks when it happens! And don't make me fucking laugh either! It'll never go away then, can't you just let me regain some composure?

I got pushed into cooking. I had to make the rice for lunch. I was scared. You Africans can be awfully menacing, you know that!?!? They all stood in the kitchen watching me and refused to help. I called my mother begging for instruction to cook rice. That Cow wouldn't stop laughing! MOTHERFUCK! But she told me and I followed them. And it worked. I cooked rice. It was amazing.

What wasn't amazing was when I got home and gave my mother a blow-by-blow account. Think boys giving a detailed account of the soccer match they just won. It was detailed. There was action replay (no I didn't cook again, not that much action, sheesh). And when I was done, actually she cut me off, she said 'That's wonderful DeTamble, now that you've done the first step I'm going to teach you lots of things to cook."

DeT: What? WHY?
Ma: Every women needs to know how to cook, it's a very important part of being a woman
DeT: WTF?
Ma: You need to know how to cook for your husband.
DeT: Wha? I thought we were talking about rice, where did the husband come from?!?! And don't call me a woman!
Ma: Well, I'm worried about you. You're about to pull your usual disappearing act and I don't think you'll be coming back again for a long time. What if you meet someone, he's going to expect that you'll know how to cook!
DeT: WHAT? What are you talking about? You're insane! I don't need to know how to cook!! And what do you mean I'm pulling my usual disappearing act? And I don't need to cook! I'll live off things that don't require cooking, like pineapples! Also Ma, I'm not stupid, I'd never date a man who can't cook. I don't want him bitching at me about him being hungry. He can go cook for himself. Lazy wanker. *mutters*

Okay, before you all start thinking I'm some spoilt brat who has always been cooked for, it's not true. In fact most days I either go hungry or I just eat things that don't require cooking. Like a carrot, or a piece of bread, or 2min noodles.

Ma: You need to know how to cook Tambles! Stop being so difficult! Forget the husband for now, but one day you're going to want to be able to impress someone with your cooking skills. And you will learn before you leave.
DeT: (feeling a little guilty but still not wanting to ever really go into a kitchen again) I'm coming back. Plenty of time to teach me then...
Ma: I doubt it. I know you. I know it was a fluke you came back last time, I doubt you'll be back for a long time.
DeT: *fidgets*
Ma: And what are you going to do about Uni? How are you supposed to study when you're not even in the country?
DeT: Off campus? I don't know! I'll talk to my Uni, maybe I'll just defer....
Ma: I don't see why you can't just be happy here like other people, why are you always so desperate to leave?

And this is why I will never learn to cook. Because every time cooking and me are mentioned together it leads to conversations that I do not want and do not know the answers to.