Sunday, 15 June 2008

31337 Infected Me

I got flu and I is blaming 31337, cause you were the first person I knew that had it this flu season! You gone and infected me! Thanks :-D I scored days off work! YAY!

Today I made rice! I cooked! I cooked rice! And I didn't screw up either! Can you believe that? I actually cooked something. Something edible! I am so damn proud! :-D I MADE FOOD! Real food. Not just a sandwich. I didn't just pick bits off the shelf and out of the fridge. I actually used the stove! Now, this may not seem all that amazing to you, but to me this is a huge thing! I can't cook. I don't know how. In fact you immigrants, you 'off the boat'ers with your fancy shmancy cooking skills, you can just shut up! Most Australian children who were born here can't cook. We just don't know how. Our mothers tried to teach us but it just didn't work. I've had many many many cooking lessons with my mother, I just can't do it. But today I did.

I was with some of the Zimbabwean children and the subject of cooking came up and I was given so much shit from them because I can't cook. It wasn't fair! They picked on me hardcore and there was no other Australian child there for backup! Not only was there no other Australian, there was no other White child. Can you say minority? And when I get annoyed I tend to blush and I was thinking 'Fuck, I'm never going to live this one down'. Fucking Zims! Aint you ever heard of giving someone a break? Okay so I can't cook. I accept that. But must you tease me just because you can't blush? And quit poking my cheeks when it happens! And don't make me fucking laugh either! It'll never go away then, can't you just let me regain some composure?

I got pushed into cooking. I had to make the rice for lunch. I was scared. You Africans can be awfully menacing, you know that!?!? They all stood in the kitchen watching me and refused to help. I called my mother begging for instruction to cook rice. That Cow wouldn't stop laughing! MOTHERFUCK! But she told me and I followed them. And it worked. I cooked rice. It was amazing.

What wasn't amazing was when I got home and gave my mother a blow-by-blow account. Think boys giving a detailed account of the soccer match they just won. It was detailed. There was action replay (no I didn't cook again, not that much action, sheesh). And when I was done, actually she cut me off, she said 'That's wonderful DeTamble, now that you've done the first step I'm going to teach you lots of things to cook."

DeT: What? WHY?
Ma: Every women needs to know how to cook, it's a very important part of being a woman
Ma: You need to know how to cook for your husband.
DeT: Wha? I thought we were talking about rice, where did the husband come from?!?! And don't call me a woman!
Ma: Well, I'm worried about you. You're about to pull your usual disappearing act and I don't think you'll be coming back again for a long time. What if you meet someone, he's going to expect that you'll know how to cook!
DeT: WHAT? What are you talking about? You're insane! I don't need to know how to cook!! And what do you mean I'm pulling my usual disappearing act? And I don't need to cook! I'll live off things that don't require cooking, like pineapples! Also Ma, I'm not stupid, I'd never date a man who can't cook. I don't want him bitching at me about him being hungry. He can go cook for himself. Lazy wanker. *mutters*

Okay, before you all start thinking I'm some spoilt brat who has always been cooked for, it's not true. In fact most days I either go hungry or I just eat things that don't require cooking. Like a carrot, or a piece of bread, or 2min noodles.

Ma: You need to know how to cook Tambles! Stop being so difficult! Forget the husband for now, but one day you're going to want to be able to impress someone with your cooking skills. And you will learn before you leave.
DeT: (feeling a little guilty but still not wanting to ever really go into a kitchen again) I'm coming back. Plenty of time to teach me then...
Ma: I doubt it. I know you. I know it was a fluke you came back last time, I doubt you'll be back for a long time.
DeT: *fidgets*
Ma: And what are you going to do about Uni? How are you supposed to study when you're not even in the country?
DeT: Off campus? I don't know! I'll talk to my Uni, maybe I'll just defer....
Ma: I don't see why you can't just be happy here like other people, why are you always so desperate to leave?

And this is why I will never learn to cook. Because every time cooking and me are mentioned together it leads to conversations that I do not want and do not know the answers to.


  1. Tandra you need to get out of the house or cafe more often.

  2. come over i cook you some real soul food deteamble, sorry about the flu!

  3. I object to the accusation. i am sweet like that though, not. i share! [hiding under desk hoping that Rev and his comrades do not catch up with me]

    please note that i shall not be the guinea pig to your "cooking" foray.

    mind the calling them wankers, the way to a mans heart and that kind of shit, listen to your mother!

    the bit we try to avoid, and mostly succeed except where mothers are concerned, they can fucking twist even a conversation about the weather into a tirade about me not making them a grandmother. they are absolutely precious though, you must agree.

  4. dude, you need to get over africans. i mean there's like millions of aussies in that god forsaken continent of yours and u hav to go team up wit the africans. then there is ur blogroll...
    or you could make a plea on blogger to be officially adopted...

    and if one day you decide to marry rev or maybe your flu buddy, i hav to warn u that african men are lazy slobs that will expect the wife to do everything for them. including cooking. listen to yo ma tambs.

  5. loads of fruit and juice will help with the flu... bad 3 giving you flu...

    if you are going to end up with an african, which it seems like you will, you will have to learnt to cook because the men love to eat their wife's cooking...

    mothers are like that, always know how to divert a conversation on whatever to what they want like grand children... by the way 3, when are you giving your mother grandbabies?

  6. @Tandra: That's it? That's all you could think of to say?

    @Kakaire: No, she should always be online!

    @Lulu: I am so there. Feed me! *mouth gapes like a baby bird*

    @31337: It's okay. We'll get take away. And there are many ways to a male heart which don't involve food. Whipped cream, cherries and chocolate, yes, but not actual meal food. So 31337, when you having babies? I think you should just buy one and pass it off as your own and then send it off to boarding school and ignore it. Get one school aged, pretend you knocked some girl up a few years and then she showed up with it and pulled a disappearing act of her own.

    @Antipop: You got a whole post, you should feel so proud! :D

    @Sybella: I bought pineapple juice. Thanks for the advice. I'll see if there's still an apple somewhere around. I already had a lemon :D
    I don't really want to end up with anyone, though I may not actually get my way :-( apparently it's a bad idea to rip out boys heart and stomp on them...
    My mother and grandchildren, I seriously don't know how I'm going to get out of it. It's been an issue since I was about six. I'm expected to produce one within FIVE years! ARGH! I don't want to give birth! It looks horrible and painful! And then you're stuck with this thing that is sticky and always wants! At least men can get a job, I don't see any baby earning money.

  7. that is a brilliant idea about the grandmother thing. perfect. *rubs hands in anticipation*

  8. @31337: I'm full of good ideas :D Hell I can solve both our problems. I'll have a kid, make my Ma happy and you can just claim it as your own and make your Ma happy too.

  9. shhhhhhhhhh!! not so loudly luv, we cant have trolls all up in such delicate business.

  10. 3- and Tambs...
    Tut, tut, tut!


    DeT, you are going to shame the FAMILY!!!!!!

    How can I get my car when you cant cook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh Damn silly Aussie girls. The woman does not know how to cook!

    Ok. Now, will you keep it quite until after the wedding?
    Afterwards, well, I will have gotten my car, and it will not be refundable, and..
    it will be 27th's problem!

    [sigh... Think of it as a survival course. THEN GO AND LEARN HOW TO BLOODY COOK.
    TRUST ME, IT IS TERRIBLE EATING BAD FOOD., good advice from one who doesnt know how to cook!

  12. @31337: Hush yourself. Don't you tell me what to do old man! Kidding, but yes, we shall remain mum about these plan...arrrgh! (why am I talking like a pirate?)

    @Sis: You know I can't help it.

    @Bro: I am going to shame the family, so get used to it! And I don't need to cook, I'm good in bed. Hell, I'm brilliant! So I figure he'll want me because take away is cheaper than a hooker.
    Yes, we'll keep quiet about my lack of suitable wife skills till after the wedding but I think if he wants to give me back it won't be because of my lack of cooking. It'll be because I'll beat him in every single argument and he'll feel his manliness being thrown out the window. And if anyone in the relationship is going to be wife beating it'll be him cowering in fear.

    I am learning to cook. I making meat loaf on Saturday night. I'll tell you how it goes.

  13. I am still wondering why Ugandans